More pieces to her puzzle
by Norwalker
Summary: A sequel to " All the little pieces", this is a rewrite of "More pieces to the puzzle". I guess a bit of a re-titling too. Set after the series, the slayer and the witch have finally 'found' each other. So, things should be smooth sailing from here, righ
1. Part 1

More pieces to her puzzle

By Norwalker

Part 1 of 4

Summary: A sequel to " All the little pieces", this is a rewrite of "More pieces to the puzzle". I guess a bit of a re-titling too. Set after the series, the slayer and the witch have finally 'found' each other. So, things should be smooth sailing from here, right? Happy every after. But, what little secrets are hiding under the surface? Stay tuned.

Spoilers/ setting: This story is set after " Chosen", the end of the BtVS series. There are _possible_ spoilers from any of the seasons. However, if your reading this, I'm taking it you're a fan and have seen the entire series. If not, you might want to stop reading now( I hope you won't).

Rating: R for some sexual content, and some controversial themes.

**_Warnings_**: This story contains scenes of child abuse and it's consequences. The author does not find it amusing in any way, it's not for 'entertainment' purposes. Unfortunately, all too often it happens. If you suspect child abuse is occurring, I hope you will find help for the victim. Once such resource is the National Child Abuse hotline at 1-800- 4 A Child.

Author's note: I really liked this story. Thing is, it was an early work, and is a bit rough(some say… should be buried deep somewhere off the coast of Africa). It needs some reworking. Ok, lots of reworking. So, if you have read the original, I hope you'll take time to read the new, improved(?) version. I hope you find it worth it. For anyone who hasn't read " All the little pieces" I would read that first. It's short, won't take long, I promise.

* * *

"OOOF" Willow grunts, as she's taken into a very powerful hug by her friend. But the resulting kisses and snuggles were well worth the almost rib-cracking grip of Buffy. It's been nearly two years since she's last seen her friend, and she's overjoyed to be here in her arms. Even if it is snowy, cold and feeling like she's in the jaws of a nutcracker. The look on Buffy's face was priceless: Jaw dropping surprise followed by a smile that could rival the sunrise. Then the sudden avalanche of kisses and hugs that made Willow feel all warm and squishy inside.

* * *

When she'd received Buffy's letter in San Francisco, Willow had been at a low point in her life.

Professionally, she'd been doing reasonably well. After her descent into the dark side of magic after Tara's death, Willow decided that she needed to find something other than magic to devote her life to. Even now, three years later, she still feared losing control. She'd gone to hell, and came back; she never wanted to walk that road again. After the defeat of The First and the destruction of Sunnydale, she turned to what she knew best: computers. She completed her education at UC Berkeley, and after experiencing first hand the sexism that seems to still be entrenched in the IT field(thought things are changing), she decided to pursue an old love, teaching.

One of the better parts of High School for her had been when she'd been allowed to substitute for Ms. Calendar. The first time she did it, she'd been so worried she'd hardly slept the night before. But once she got up in front of the class… and experienced the joy of sharing her knowledge, she was hooked.

Though the circumstances that led to her taking over Ms. Calendar's class had been tragic, she still found a love of teaching she never would've guessed. Naturally shy, the thought of being in front of so many people, everyone focused on her, gave her a major case of the wiggins. But she when she actually got there, it was totally different. She felt… fulfilled, as if something inside her craved the attention. Also, having a little power over the students was a nice bonus. Willow had always been a target of some of the … well, less friendly crowd at school( _headed up by a girl who shall remain nameless… but it rhymes with Smordelia_). Ok, not the noblest of reasons for teaching, but it wasn't her main reason, not even close. It was just a nice little side benefit.

So, after graduating, she looked around for a teaching gig. She finally found one at a small technical college in the North Bay area. While working days at teaching, she worked nights( and weekends, and every other bit of free time) to complete her masters in Education. It was tough work, and she spent a lot of nights with way too little sleep. But it finally paid off, because the school she taught at offered her a tenured position after she obtained her degree.

Not to say that was all she did. While she enjoyed teaching, the pay really wasn't going to make her rich. So, slowly, she started consulting, using her past hacking knowledge to develop a networking security system that was really secure. Better than most available on the market. Seeing an opportunity, she applied for a patent. The resulting royalties she earns from a major software firm that bought exclusive rights to the security suite has made her very comfortable, indeed. This allowed her some flexibility in her teaching schedule. Time to do other things that interested her.

But for all her professional success, Willow's private life had been less than happy. She'd never really gotten over Tara's death. Put simply, Tara was Willow's 'everything'; lover, friend, helpmate, soul mate. She'd taken a shy, retiring hacker cum Wiccan, and with her love and affection transformed her into a vital, strong loving woman. For that, Willow had given Tara her love and devotion, helping Tara break out of her own shell. More than most, they were made for each other.

Like all couples, they had their bad times, too. They fought, even breaking up for awhile. But they patched it up; each knowing their life was better with the other. They looked forward to a long happy life together.

But then tragedy struck, in the form of an errant bullet that was meant for Buffy, but struck Tara. She was dead almost before she knew what happened. Tara's life, and Willow's heart were snuffed out that day. Willow went mad with grief and rage, and her life was inalterably changed. She walked the dark path, taking vengeance on the man who killed Tara, and nearly destroying her friends and herself in the bargain.

Even after she recovered and returned to Sunnydale, Willow was never the same. Her innocence was lost, her view of the world and its people was darker, more suspicious. Her beliefs had been shattered. Even her friends, Buffy and Xander, had drawn back from her. She'd never felt so alone.

Maybe that's why, when Kennedy put on her frontal assault for Willow's attention and affections, she'd fallen for her. It certainly wasn't because Kennedy reminded her of Tara. If two people could be more different, Willow didn't know them. Where Tara was shy, quiet and retiring, Kennedy was bold, out front and in your face. In her relationship with Tara, Willow had been the bold , aggressive one. It hadn't been until Willow declared her love for Tara that they'd gotten together. Kennedy on the other hand had made no bones about her interest in, and feelings for, Willow. She jealously guarded what she considered 'her' territory, and used her charm and brashness to sweep Willow off her feet.

Unfortunately you have to come back to earth sometime. It took awhile, nearly a year after they defeated The First, but Willow came to realize that while Kennedy cared for her, and had affection for her, she simply didn't love her. Kennedy was too young, too rebellious to settle down with one woman. It started with small things; then small things turned into big things; finally Kennedy one day told her that it was over, and left.

Willow was deeply hurt, but she wasn't altogether surprised. She'd known for months that Kennedy was restless. She figured it was only a matter of time that something would break, something that couldn't be fixed. Knowing it was coming didn't make it any easier, however. She cried a lot of tears, ate a lot of comfort foods, and still had a large hole in her heart.

She had no one to turn to. Xander had moved to Seattle, had married and was frankly trying to forget his life as a 'scooby'. The final battle had taken a physical and emotional toll he was still recovering from. She didn't want to add her burden to his. As for Buffy, she'd taken off right after the final battle with The First. She claimed she was going to ' find herself, find out who she was now that she was no longer " The Chosen One" '. The only contact she'd had from her was an occasional phone call, and a monthly letter. Willow had mentioned her breakup with Kennedy in a letter, but Buffy had never picked up the thread, and it had become a moot subject. A distance had grown between them, one greater than the miles that separated them, and Willow couldn't overcome it.

Willow threw herself into her profession. She started volunteering to do seminars on advanced computer programming, exploring the more esoteric and complex use of programming languages. Nights would often find her working away in her office, strategizing and developing new challenges to bring to her students. Her 'downtime' was spent improving and upgrading her security suite, which led to favorable reviews in _Technology Today _and _Net World_. She was well on her way to becoming a major force in the computer world. But all of her success professionally didn't fill the emptiness she felt, nor dull the ache in her heart.

It was then that Buffy's letter, THE letter, arrived.

* * *

Willow sits staring down at the letter in her hand, her mouth open in disbelief. She reads over the letter again, just to be sure she isn't hallucinating. The words remain the same, just like they did on the last three readings. Finally, convinced that she's not losing her mind, Willow lets the letter drop from her hand.

She feels a flush rising in her cheeks, to match the anger building in her heart.

" You've so got to be kidding, Buffy Summers!" Willow growls to herself, " You really expect me to buy this?" She picks up the letter again, and crumples it, tossing it in the trash. She sits at her table, thinking about what she read in Buffy's letter. She wonders at the raw nerve of that woman, the gall. _Who the heck does she think she is?_ Willow fumes. To upset to sit, will stands up and begins to pace. _She runs away from me two years ago… to "find herself" she says. Now she says it's all bogus, that she's madly in love with me, and couldn't be around me because she couldn't admit it to herself. That she was afraid that with how she and Kenny got along, that it'd go bad, and I'd side with Kenny. So she runs. Just like she always does. Run, run, run, Buffy. That's your answer to everything. When Angel went bad, and you had to send him to hell, what happened after? You ran. Riley, he needs you to say that you want him, you pull away, run. Spike…let's not even go there. You run in, you run out. It's a constant back and forth with him. When it comes to fiends and monsters, you're the first in line, defending your friends, and the world. But when it gets really tough… when you gotta start living, and dealing on a day to day? You're so outta there! You don't try; running is so much easier!_

Willow stands still, head down, looking defeated. She moves again, going to the trashcan, retrieving the crumpled letter out of the trash. She walks back to her desk, sits and smoothes out the sheet, reading the letter again. Her face softens, becoming bewildered rather than angry.

_Why do I give you such a bad case of the wiggins, Buff? Am I that scary?_ Willow reads over the letter again. _I don't understand it, Buffy. I know we drifted apart. I guess when your best bud goes all dark and veiny, that's going to happen. But I really thought we could tell each other the important stuff. Are we like strangers now? I've gotta wonder if you really love me, or if it's some image of me that you love. Some long ago Willow, who doesn't exist anymore. I'm not that shy little geeky girl anymore Buffy. I've grown, and changed, don't you see that? I know you know that. I forced you to see that, back when I went all dark. It was even true before that, Buffy. I know it was. So, who do you really love? Me, as I am now? Or the Willow you remember from high school?_

_Why didn't we talk about this, Buffy? Why'd we wait til now? If I'd even had a clue about your feelings, don't you think I would've responded? Do you think I would've laughed at you? Don't you know how much you meant to me? I guess you couldn't have known, Buffy. If you had, you woulda known that … _Willow shakes her head. _Thinking about what mighta been is kinda stupid. We're strangers now, Buffy. You've kind of proved that with this letter. You're in love with what I was, not what I am now. I think you're lonely, I understand that. I'm lonely too. You want something to hold onto, something from your past that makes sense to you. This living in the world is strange to you, because you've had to live so long in a strange and deadly world. One of monsters and demons. But at least there, you could tell the monsters from the good guys. It was easier… real life is so hard. I can't be that something, though, Buffy. I can't be just a touchstone, a rock. I need too. I need you to see me for what I've become._

Willow goes to her desk, and sits down. She knows what she has to do. She can't lead Buffy on, it wouldn't be fair to either of them. She opens her laptop, as if she's going to compose the letter on that, then decides against it. _Too impersonal. Gotta write this out, like she did._ She reaches into her desk, getting a pen and some stationery. She settles down, puts a sheet of paper before her, and stares at it. She does that for a number of minutes, wondering exactly what to say, and how to say it. _God, this is going to be so much harder than I thought. I don't want to hurt her, really. Ok, probably no way to write this letter without hurting her, but … I don't want to come off like a meany. I care about her, I've got to let her know that. Just… the other. Gotta let her down gently._ She sits, trying to organize her thoughts . Finally, she starts to write.

**_Dear Buffy,_**

I got your letter, and while I understand your feelings, I can't share them.

_Grrr.. are you writing a letter here or a proposal?! That's awful._ She crumples up the sheet, and tries again.

**_Dearest Buffy,_**

**_I read your letter many times, and while I believe you're sincere in your feelings, I can't help but wonder if it's really me you love ?_**

_Sure, call her a liar. Yeah, that's a great start!_ Willow crumples it up, and throws it away. She sighs, and tries another one.

**_Buffy,_**

**_I read your letter ,and it touched me deeply._**

_Ok, not a bad start. Go on._

You say you're in love with me, and I admit that I've had feelings for you too, over the years.

_Ok, that's also true. No denying that._

We've been friends for a very long time, and I know that at times I've considered you more than a friend.

Not bad.

At times, we've been very close. Almost more like sisters, than friends.

Now, that could get weird. But just go on

So I've got to wonder, why haven't you said something before?

Great. Now you sound like a lawyer, cross-examining her! Damn. Willow tears up the sheet, and starts another.

After an hour, she's still at it. She has a basket full of crumpled papers , and is no closer to writing the letter she wants to write. It all comes out wrong. It's either too cold and business-like, or it's too angry, or it's accusatory, or… Damn, it just isn't what I want to say! Ok, Willow, think. Calm down, and think it out. What do I want to say? Ok, if she were right here, sitting next to me, and told me this, what would I say to her?

" I love you, Willow, " Imaginary Buffy declares.

" Gosh, Buffy. I don't know what to say, " Willow says, " I mean, you tell me you love me, but is it me you really love? Do you know the real me, Buffy?"

"There's a not- real you, Will?" Imaginary Buffy asks, looking confused.

" Uh… no, I mean, I've changed Buffy. What you've said is you think you've loved me since we met… what? Nine years ago? Lots has changed since then, Buffy!" Willow says.

" Well, duh, Will. I know that. Remember, I was there most of the time!" Imaginary Buffy retorts." I've seen you as shy geeker Willow, and Buffy's best bud Willow, and in love with Xander Willow, and as Willow in love with Oz, and College Willow, and Gay Willow, and Willow loves Tara Willow, and addicted to magic Willow, and Willow loses Tara sad Willow, and Recovery Willow, and Willow gets Tara back happy Willow. Willow goes insane Dark Veiny Willow, and Willow comes back from England powerful but afraid of her magic, Willow. And Willow loves Kennedy Willow. Oh, and Willow saves the World by making all the potentials Slayers Willow. Ummm… did I miss any?" Imaginary Buffy asks, " I know we've been apart for a couple of years, but I think I've got most of it, don't you?" Imaginary Buffy thinks, then adds, "Sorry, almost forgot Willow is sad now because Kennedy left her Willow. There, now I think I've got them all. Right?"

"Uh… yeah, I guess, " Willow says, feeling uncomfortable, " But which Willow is it you love?"

"All of them, silly!" Imaginary Buffy says, " Didn't you read my letter?"

"Well, yeah!" Willow says, defensively, " You say you love me, but how do I know that? I mean, we've been apart for two years. Things change. How do I know you're really loving me, and not some idea of what you think I'm about?"

"Huh? What're you talking about, Willow?" Imaginary Buffy asks, " just because we've been apart a couple of years, does that mean you've changed so much I wouldn't know you now? Have you been possessed by some demon? Are you a vampire? Did you get a personality transplant?" Imaginary Buffy asks, " Thing is, Will, even with all the changes you've done, at your core, you're still the same girl I knew 9 years ago. Just because this aspect of your personality changes, or that one changes, the core person is the same. You still believe in the same basic things. Right? I know you better than you think, Will. At heart your still the same basic, loving, loyal, honest girl you've always been. That doesn't change. Even when you were scary veiny Willow, deep down, that spark was still true. It was true then, and it's true now!"

" Ok, ok, I get it, I get it. I'm basically the same girl. Got it" Willow says, wondering how the hell Buffy got so smart all of a sudden. " Tell me this, then. Why now? Why wait til now? Why didn't you tell me how you felt sooner?".

" Gee, Willow. For someone so smart, you're kinda dumb sometimes, " Imaginary Buffy chides her, " Tell me. When, in all the years we've known each other, was there a 'right' time to tell you? When, Will? When could we have talked about this? In high school? College? After college? While saving the world? When? There's always been someone, or something, in the way."

"This isn't how it's supposed to go!" Willow protests.

"Really? How's it supposed to go then?" Imaginary Buffy asks," I'm thinking you're just avoiding the issue!"

"WHAT? That's so not true!" Willow retorts, " I'm so not being avoidy here!"

" Really?" Imaginary Buffy cocks her head sideways, " Seems like it to me. So, I'm gonna ask you straight out. Do you love me, Will?"

"Hey! That's not fair!" Willow complains, " You're not supposed to be asking me questions!"

" Oh? How come it's fair you question MY feelings, but I can't ask you about yours?" Imaginary Buffy retorts, "How fair is that?"

" But… but…!" Willow protests, but Imaginary Buffy cuts her off.

" Stop stalling, Will. Yes or no. Do you or don't you love me?" Imaginary Buffy asks, face stern, arms crossed.

" I… I… " Willow stammers.

" Not brain surgery here, Willow. Simple question, I think" Imaginary Buffy says, tapping her foot.

" I dunno, " Willow answers, evasively.

" Really? Is that your final answer?" Imaginary Buffy asks.

"Uh… yeah, " Willow answers in a small voice.

"EHHHH! Wrong answer. Sorry, but we have some lovely parting gifts for you!" Imaginary Buffy mocks her, " It was a yes/ no answer. There are no maybes here".

" BUT I DON'T KNOW!" Willow yells at her, frustrated and angry and wondering how the hell this got all turned around on her.

Imaginary Buffy looks at her with a sad expression, " then I guess you better figure it out, before you start questioning how I feel, don't you think?" She turns and walks away.

"Wait…WAIT!" Willow calls out to the retreating figure, " Wait!"

Imaginary Buffy stops, without turning around. " What?"

" Ok.. say I love you, then…" Willow starts.

" Say it, or mean it?" Imaginary Buffy asks over her shoulder.

" Mean it. " Willow says, quietly, realizing it's the truth, " I love you Buffy"

" I love you too, Will," Imaginary Buffy turns around, smiling.

"So now what?" Willow asks, needing answers.

" It's up to you, Will. I reached out to you, remember?" Imaginary Buffy says, starting to fade.

"Where you going? I need you!" Willow says, trying to catch the fading Buffy.

" Then, you know what you gotta do, don't you?" Imaginary Buffy says, disappearing.

" No…come back, don't go Buffy!" Willow calls out, waking from her daydream. She looks around, confused and disoriented. She rubs her eyes, and looks down at Buffy's letter. She reads it again, this time with an open heart. When she finishes, she's in tears.

God, I'm a moron! Willow thinks to herself, sniffling a little , I almost threw you away again, Buffy.

Carefully, as if preserving something precious, she straightens out the letter, and puts it away in her desk. She stands up, and heads for bed.

She's got an early day tomorrow… she has a lot to do, a lot of arrangements to make. She's going to need her rest.

And if she happens to dream of a certain blonde slayer, well, that's fine too.

That's just a bonus.

* * *

Willow feels Buffy lay her head on her shoulder. She feels her shivering in her arms, and… Oh, goodness, she's crying!

"Buffy? What's wrong?" Willow asks, hugging her tightly

" Silly, nothing's wrong, "Buffy says, shivering and crying on Willow's shoulder, " I'm just so happy to see you. I didn't think… I didn't think you'd answer my letter… God, I never expected you to come!" Buffy snuggles closer, trying to stay warm. She's freezing, but doesn't want to let go of Willow…ever. " Why … why did it take so long for you to answer?" Buffy says, her teeth chattering.

"I'm sorry , Buffy, "Willow says, regret coloring her voice, " I wanted to get here sooner. I wanted to surprise you… but it took me a long time to get away, " Willow looks at the small woman in her arms, and holds her closer, " I knew I couldn't just write back. I had to come," Willow draws Buffy closer, kissing her gently. She feels her shivering, and breaks the kiss." C'mon sweetie, inside now. You're gonna catch your death."

Buffy, clinging to Willow for warmth and so much more, starts back towards her house. " Yeah, kinda stupid, huh? Freezing my butt off here" She chuckles self-deprecatingly. She turns towards Willow, her face serious, " just so good to see you… to touch you" she looks deep into Willow's eyes, and asks, in an almost childlike voice, " You won't leave me, will you?"

"No, Buffy, I won't leave you, " Willow says, looking at Buffy . Something in Buffy's eyes chills her, more than the weather.

I'm with you for the long haul, baby, Willow says to herself.

They walk inside, arms around each other. The door closes behind them.

* * *

To be continued. 


	2. Part 2

More pieces to her puzzle

By Norwalker

Part 2 of 4

Summary: A sequel to " All the little pieces", this is a rewrite of "More pieces to the puzzle". I guess a bit of a re-titling too. Set after the series, the slayer and the witch have finally 'found' each other. So, things should be smooth sailing from here, right? Happy every after. But, what little secrets are hiding under the surface? Stay tuned.

Spoilers/ setting: This story is set after " Chosen", the end of the BtVS series. There are _possible_ spoilers from any of the seasons. However, if your reading this, I'm taking it you're a fan and have seen the entire series. If not, you might want to stop reading now( I hope you won't).

Rating: R for some sexual content, and some controversial themes.

**_Warnings_**: This story contains scenes of child abuse and it's consequences. The author does not find it amusing in any way, it's not for 'entertainment' purposes. Unfortunately, all too often it happens. If you suspect child abuse is occurring, I hope you will find help for the victim. Once such resource is the National Child Abuse hotline at 1-800- 4 A Child.

* * *

The next two weeks are spent packing Buffy to move back to San Francisco. Even though she's started to make a life here, Buffy agrees that San Francisco is, for obvious reasons, a better choice for their 'home'.

_Home, our home, _Buffy thinks to herself, _I never would've thought I'd say that._ She pinches herself again, trying to convince herself that this is really happening. She and Willow, together._ I wanted this for so long, wished for it, prayed for it. Now it's happening, it's really happening, and I'm … I just can't believe it's happening. I'm nervous and happy and weepy and crazy. God, Willow looks at me sometimes like I've lost my mind. I kinda guess I have lost it. But over her. She makes me crazy happy. She doesn't even know how happy she makes me!_ Buffy hugs herself. She's feeling like a schoolgirl… and is loving it to death. She finds herself getting weepy again, but with happy tears.

Willow enters the room. She's carrying a big box, and is grumbling just a little.

" I swear, Buffy, haven't you heard of packing light?" Willow complains, " And why aren't you carrying something to the truck? We're never going to finish this if you just …." Then she notices Buffy standing there, crying. Concerned, she sets down the box she's carrying, and goes over to Buffy. " Buffy, honey? What's up? What's the matter?" Willow says, putting her arms around Buffy.

" Wrong? God, nothing's wrong!" Buffy says." Everything is just so right!". She lifts Willow, and begins to twirl her around." Everything's wonderful, and you're the most wonderfullest of all" Buffy says, twirling the surprised Willow in circles.

" Buff! Buffy! " Willow says," You're going to get dizzy. Heck, you're gonna get ME dizzy!" Willow exclaims, but she's giggling all the while. She's fantastically happy, and a major part of that happiness is seeing Buffy so happy. She can't remember when Buffy was just so… free. As if nothing were weighing her down, or worrying her. She's never seen Buffy laugh so much as in the last two weeks, and just be so spontaneous. Every day she's finding herself more and more in love with this incredible little blonde, and every day she's finding herself happier and happier.

" Buffy! Please, stop!" Willow giggles, " please, before we have a pukeapalooza ! Goddess, Buffy, I'm so gonna hurl if you don't' stop!" Buffy, laughing, does stop… but the sudden shift causes them both to get woozy, and they fall to the floor, Willow on top of Buffy. They're giggling and laughing like kids, when suddenly the laughter stops. They look into each other's eyes, and Buffy pulls Willow into a warm soft kiss. Little sighs and murmurs happen as the kiss lengthens. Buffy runs her hands up under Willows shirt, and Willow starts to wriggle a little bit, loving the hands, but knowing they got to get back to work.

" Buffy…c'mon Buffy, we gotta get this stuff done. We gotta get packed… baby? Oh…mmmm… 'k … just a lil more" Willow sighs happily, as Buffy's hands do their magic on her._ We gotta stop this… we've got so much to do… oh…that feels so…hmmm… work … gotta get back to work now. We'll never get done if we keep taking so many sex breaks… oh god how does she do that????? uhhhhhhhhh… where we going? Goddess, don't stop NOW Buffy… oh…no… she's carrying me into bedroom…_

" Buffy" Willow protests weakly, " We don't have time to do this now… the … stuff… we gotta… ohhhhh… mmmm…." Willow is silenced by Buffy kissing her intently, and after that, she's lost. Buffy carries her into the bedroom, and kicks the door closed after her.

* * *

Later, much later, they two women lie naked, sweaty and exhausted on the bed. The room smells of sex , and both are drowsing in the soft afterglow of lovemaking. Willow snuggles close to Buffy, laying her head on Buffy's shoulder. She inhales the heady mixture of Buffy's vanilla orange scent combined with her sexual musk. Feeling naughty, sated and very content, Willow nods off into a light sleep.

Buffy is lying on her back, feeling sated and content. She loves the feel of Willow's warm body pressed against her, her unique scent, and the way Willow makes her feel. Sighing a soft sigh. She starts to drift off, letting the warm feelings wrap her like a cocoon. She can't remember when she's been this happy; maybe never. _Oh, Will, I love you… I love you, I love you… _are her last thoughts before she sleeps.

In her sleep, the voice comes to her. The voice that haunts her, makes her cringe. Its far away at first, almost inaudible. But it gets closer, closer and she begins to hear what it's saying. She opens her eyes, and is in a dark room, the only light being a single bulb hanging from the ceiling. It's the attic in her old home in L.A. She feels the fear rush in. This is the bad place… the place she's sent when she's badly behaved. She doesn't remember being naughty, but she must've been, because she's here. Only bad girls come here, and she's here. She must be a bad girl.

**_Bad… you've been bad, Buffy_** the voice tells her. It's deep and masculine and angry.

**_No, no, I've been good! I haven't… I wasn't naughty!_ **Buffy protests. She knows what happens to bad girls.

**_I can smell your wickedness, girl! Don't lie to me! I can see how evil you've been!_ **The voice booms at her.**_ You stink of it!_**

**_Please… I didn't mean to be bad. I wanna be good! Please!_** Buffy pleads with the voice.**_ I wanna be good. Please, don't make me… don't punish me again!_**

**_You can't help it, I know_** The voice says, almost kindly, **_You were born wicked and bad. But you've got to fight your nature. You've gotta try to be good. And when you're bad, there's only one way to repent. You know that._**

**_I don't … please, I don't wanna … don't make me!_**Buffy whimpers. She tries to curl up into a ball, hide away from the voice.

Bad girls must be punished. You know that. Bad girls must be punished. Punished. So they can be good. It's time. You need to be punished. You're bad, you've got to be punished. Bad girls must be punished… must be punished… must be punished…

"Must be punished, must be punished" Buffy mumbles, almost inaudibly. Her eyes open, and she sees Willow still sleeping, deeper now as she's snoring her cute little snore. Buffy looks at her, with longing and shame. She wants to stay here, cling to her. Hide from the voice behind her. But she can't. Slowly, quietly she slips herself from under Willow. She gently lowers Willow onto the bed. For a moment she just sits there, looking down on her, her heart full of love. She covers her with the sheet so she won't get cold, then gets up and starts for the bathroom.

Willow, despite her slumber, feels Buffy moving. She half opens her eyes and sees Buffy walking towards the bathroom. She smiles at how the afternoon light seems to glow around her, making her even more beautiful in her eyes. She calls out softly to her lover.

" Buffy…what's up? Where you goin'? Sooo cold here without you baby" Willow playfully whimpers, hoping to lure the small blonde back into bed. Buffy turns and smiles.

"It's ok, Baby. Just gotta pee… I'll be right back" She lies convincingly.

" 'K " , Willow pouts, " Just hurry back. Need my snuggling". Willow drops back to sleep.

Buffy stops for a second, looking at the woman she loves sleeping so sweetly in their bed. Her heart aches. Then she turns, knowing if she doesn't go now, she won't… and things will be worse. She walks into the bathroom.

Standing by the sink, she stares into the mirror. But she doesn't see a grown woman looking back at her. She sees a child, a frightened seven year old, staring back. Frightened because she knows what's coming. She knows, and she wants to run. But she's a bad girl… and bad girls must be punished.

Buffy quietly closes the door to the bathroom.

* * *

" I don't get it, Buffy… why?" Willow asks. She has that particular look only Willow can have, a surprised, hurt, slightly angry look. She wasn't at all pleased with what she was hearing.

She and Buffy were sitting by the big bay window in her living room. They'd been back in San Francisco for just about a week, and had finally managed to get things sort of squared away. Buffy's 'essentials' were added to the household; the rest had been stored away at one of those lock it yourself storage places nearby.

They'd done some 'touristy' stuff, the kind of things residents usually don't get to do. Fisherman's Wharf, Alcatraz, the bay cruise for the Golden Gate Bridge, riding the cable cars, all the things the 'natives' look down on, because of course it's blasé for them. But they had a blast doing it, not caring if they looked like hicks or not. And of course when Buffy found that Neiman-Marcus was truly close by, she was in love. _So much shopping, so little time_.

They decided that today they were just going to kick back, enjoy each other's company, and essentially talk about their new life. In the rush to move Buffy back to California, and all the attendant details, they hadn't had time to really discuss where they go from here. They had no ' big plan' for their life together; they just knew they wanted it to be together.

So, of course when the conversation turned to when and how they would tell their friends, Willow was full of plans. She was thinking, party. Inviting the scoobies and others for a reunion, of sorts, and announcing it then. Buffy, on the other hand, had other ideas. Ideas that weren't going down so well with Willow.

" Will, it's not like I don't EVER want to tell them, " Buffy protested, seeing the look on Willow's face, " its… well, it's all new to me, you know? I mean… Will, I'm not even 'out' yet… Geeze, I didn't even know I was 'in'. I'm still kinda getting used to being in love with another woman. "

" Used to? Is it like… medicine?" Willow says, not able to entirely hide her feelings. This is so unexpected for her. She was so convinced that Buffy would want to tell the world about their relationship. Now she's getting these weird vibes from Buffy… as if she were… ashamed? … of her feelings for Willow. Like it was something to hide.

"Will, that isn't what I mean. You know that, " Buffy says, " it's just that … well, I'm still … confused about myself, my feelings, all of this. You're the first woman I've loved. I mean, loved romantically. Do you get it? I'm not like ready yet to define myself as ' gay'. I don't know what I'm about, really."

" Buff, I'm not asking you to like go out and announce it to the world, you know, " Willow replies, " I just want to tell our friends. It helps to have the support of friends and family, you know."

"And we're going to tell them, Will, I promise, " Buffy declares, " I just need more time to figure this out… to figure the 'us' out".

Willow looks at her quizzically, " I still not getting it, Buffy, " Willow says, " Do you love me?"

" Of course I love you, Will" Buffy says, without hesitation.

" Ok, and I love you, too, " Willow says.

Buffy smiles, and reaches for Willow's hand, but Willow draws it back.

" So, what's to figure, Buffy?" Willow asks, " I love you, you love me, right? Why shouldn't we tell everyone?".

" Will, I'm just not ready yet, " Buffy says," I mean, what about Xander? You know how he can be… especially when it comes to anyone I'm with…and Giles? What if he… gets weird? And I know for a fact your parents aren't all that fond of me…"

"Buffy… that's a big… so what?" Willow retorts, " I mean, sure it'd be nice if they accept it, but who cares really what they think? I mean, it's your life and my life… not their lives… am I right?"

" Yes, " Buffy says, " but you just said it's… well, easier with friends and family onboard. What if their not?"

" Then they're not. We'll get by. What does it matter?" Willow says, eyeing her with an odd expression.

"What?" Buffy asks, catching the look, " What?!"

" You're lying to me, Buffy, " Willow says, firmly.

"Huh?" Buffy asks, puzzled.

" You're lying !, " Willow says, a red flush creeping up her neck, " It's not because of you're getting used to being gay, or not gay, or whatever. It's … you're ashamed of me! You're ashamed to let anyone know you're with me!"

"That's so not true!" Buffy protests, " Where'd you get that idea?"

"What about your friends in Chicago, Buffy?" Willow asks, " When you introduced me to them, it was as your 'friend'. Not your lover!".

" I just thought it'd be easier that way… less confusing. They're a pretty conservative bunch" Buffy replies, switching tactics " If I'm ashamed of you, how come when we go out I'm the one doing all the affection things? Like kissing and holding hands. Don't' see me backing off that, do you?"

"Those are strangers, Buffy. There's no risk with strangers, " Willow says, " But when it comes to friends, you're backing off. Why? Doesn't make sense, Buffy, unless the idea of me being your lover really is embarrassing you."

"That's just nuts, " Buffy snaps, " You've got it all wrong!"

"Oh, do I?" Willow rejoins, " then why're you trying to keep our relationship a big secret? Huh? Answer me that!"

"Because I'm not ready! I need more time!" Buffy yells, frustrated and cornered.

"Ok, Buffy," Willow says, her face hardening, her voice growing soft and frosty, " I can understand that. you need more time. Maybe we did rush too quickly into this," She stands up, and walks away from the table. She says, over her shoulder, " I think, maybe, you should take your things out of my bedroom, and use one of the others. Until you're sure about what you want."

"Will, no…please, baby, " Buffy begs, realizing she's on the edge of blowing it, " I…please, just need a little more time?"

"Take all the time you need, Buffy, " Willow says, her tone neutral, " figure out whatever it is you need to figure out. But I'm thinking we shouldn't be together, not until you know what you really feel. Maybe you're not really feeling love… but that's for you to figure out, right?" Without another word, she walks out of the room.

Buffy sits, as if frozen, watching her leave. She can't believe what happened, how it flew out of control so quickly. She knows she should fly after her, beg her to forgive her. But she can't. She knows it won't happen.

Because she doesn't deserve to be forgiven.**_ Because you're bad, Buffy._**

She doesn't deserve Willow. **_She hates you, Buffy. Because you're bad, you're dirty, you're … nothing but a whore. A filthy slut._**

She doesn't deserve to be happy. **_You ruin everything you touch. You make it bad, like you. You're bad, a bad girl. And you know what bad girls need._**

_I don't mean to be bad.** That doesn't matter. You're bad, and you know what that means!**_

_Please, it hurts. I hate it. Please don't make me! **You need to do it. You need to be punished. It's the only way to get clean, to atone. You gotta do it, Buffy.**_

_She'll find out. She'll know. She'll know what I am.** You think she doesn't know? Why do you think she turned away from you, Buffy? You disgust her. **_

_No, that's… wrong. She loves me, I know she does. She loves me! **How could anyone love filth like you? Angel found out what you were, and left you. So did Riley. Spike died to get away from you. You're nothing, worse than nothing. How could she love you? How could anyone love you?**_

Buffy falls to her knees, looking up at someone who isn't there._ I'm bad. I need to be punished.** Yes**_

_Will you love me if I'm punished?_ She implores silently, _Please love me!_

She gets no answer

_Please. Say you'll love me If I do it, if I punish myself._

But the voice is silent.

She stands up. She looks even smaller than usual, her eyes wide in fear, her face frightened. She looks around, but sees no one to comfort her, no one to help her. She moves towards the coat rack, and takes down her coat.

_Please, please. Say you love me. Please!!!_

It's silent, inside and outside her head.

Looking sad, a small frown on her face, she walks to the front door, opens it, and leaves.

* * *

Willow sits upstairs on the edge of her bed, staring into space.

It hurts, really hurts when you put your heart out there, opening it up to someone you love… only to feel it trampled, kicked and squashed.

Overdramatic much, Will? Ok, maybe that's a bit weepy, but it hurts to think that Buffy is ashamed of me. I mean, what else can it be? Why doesn't she want to tell everybody about us? Or even, anybody? I know she doesn't think I'm ugly. I don't think she does, anyway. And I don't sit and stare into space and drool. I don't eat with my fingers, and make slurping noises, so what is it? Why do I embarrass her? It's gotta be because I'm a girl. I mean, she's gotta be freaked being in love with another woman. That's the only thing I can figure. But why? I'm not like asking her to get all butched up for me , or like go marching in the Pride Parade, so what's the deal? Maybe she's hung up on the label. " Gay", "Lesbian", goddess their only words. It doesn't mean anything, really. Maybe she's only like, doing her experimenting late… you know what I mean? Maybe I'm just kinda… oh god.

Now I know how Tara felt! She was scared I was just experimenting with being gay… and now I'm thinking the same thing about Buffy. A whole mountain of guilt drops down on Willow's shoulders. Goddess, what I put her through… first with Oz, then not telling the scoobies about her. And she just accepted it. Let me find my own time. The only time we fought about it was that day… when she got brain-sucked by Glory. She was afraid my feelings for her weren't real… now I'm doing the same to Buffy. Except I'm not even giving Buffy a break. I'm giving her grief because she's a little scared. Oh, you're good, Willow. You're REAL good. Don't you remember how it was for you? Sure I loved Tara with all my heart; living without her in my life was … just mind-blowing. But I was so afraid to tell my friends about her. I mean, what would they think of me? How would they treat her and me? Would they even accept a 'her and me'? I was wrong, so wrong. But that doesn't make it any easier, any less real.

You're such a hypocrite, Willow. Going all ballistic over the very same thing you did to Tara. She came after me, not visa versa. She reached out, she wanted more. So it's not like she doesn't love me. God, I'm being such a jerk-o about this. I mean, she's been my best bud for … god, forever! She wouldn't want to hurt me. What's wrong with me? God, I got the best girl in the world, and I keep trying to throw her away, over stupid pride stuff. What the heck do I care when we tell the others? I mean, really, totally stupid. Poor baby's all alone down there, probably thinking I hate her. I gotta go down. Let her know it's ok, we'll work it out.

Getting up, feeling more than a little ashamed of herself, Willow hurriedly goes downstairs to repair the damage she caused to their relationship. Does this ever get easier? She wondered to herself. Or do we just go through life clueless?

When she gets downstairs, she finds the living room deserted. She goes from room to room, but Buffy isn't around. She must've gone out Willow thinks to herself. Probably to cool off. Stupid, Will. Real stupid. Well, just gotta wait til she gets back, then.

Sitting on the couch, Willow settles down to wait.

* * *

Buffy stands in the small dark room, surrounded by her stuff. She flips on the overhead light

The single bulb barely illuminates the center of the room. She walks to the center, and looks down at herself. Stripped of clothing except for her panties and bra , she inspects the bruises and cuts on her body. She shudders a little as she touches this place, or that.

Oh no… too much… way too much. What'm I gonna tell Will? She'll be suspicious. She'll know, and she'll hate me. Be afraid of me. Think I'm nuts.

She stands, shivering, her eyes wide and bright with tears. She lost control. She's only supposed to hurt herself a little, to punish herself. She knows if she does too much, Willow will think bad things about her. She'll know she's a bad girl, needing punishment. She'll leave her. Just like Angel, and Riley… even Spike. But she hates me already. Doesn't she know? Can't tell… can't tell. If we tell, she'll go … just like they all go… everyone she loves. They all leave her. They all hate her.

As they should hate her. She's bad… she's BAD!!!

Buffy goes to where she's put her clothes, neatly folded on top of one of the boxes. She slowly dresses, wincing in pain every now and then. Her breathing is ragged and irregular, interrupted by sobs. Her heart hurts, and she's crying. And that only hurts more. She bites her lip and clenches her fists, trying to regain control.

Can't let her see me like this. Gotta get control. Gotta!

She stands half dressed, shaking, her body aching, the tears flowing. She hurts so much, physically and emotionally, she can't help it. But she's angry with herself for being so weak. STOP IT!! STOP IT NOW!!! Stop being such a baby. You know you had it coming. Stop being so blubbery. Get a grip.

Slowly, the crying subsides to just a few sobs and some sniffles. The pain still there, but she's back in control. She stands there, still only half dressed. What'm I gonna tell Will? She's gonna know. Gotta think. C'mon, stupid, think.

THINK-THINK-THINK!!!

Demons. I'll tell her I ran into a bunch of really pissed off Demons.

She looks at her clothing, sadly. I really like this blouse, She sighs, as she rips it, making it look like it's been torn in a fight. Damn!

She braces herself, then punches herself in the face, and in the eye. Ow… ow, ow, ow! She rubs her jaw, trying to ease the pain a little.

She finishes dressing, rearranging her blouse so the tears aren't too noticeable, or too revealing. She musses her hair.

Ok, ready now.

She exits the storage room, and closes the door behind her.

* * *

Willow wakes with a start, realizing she's fallen asleep.

She looks around the room, noticing the sun is setting. What time is it? She looks at her watch, startled that hours have passed since she sat down. How long have I been asleep? Where's Buffy? She should be back by now?

Willow does a quick search of the house, hoping that Buffy came home and just didn't waken her. But after checking everywhere, she still can't find the little blonde woman. Starting to get worried, she decides she's going to go out looking for her. No telling where she is, or what's she doing. God, I only hope she's alright.

She goes to grab her coat off the coat rack, and hears a key in the door. The door swings open, and Buffy enters, facing away from Willow.

" Buffy! Thank goodness you're here… I was so worr… oh , my god, Buffy what happened!" Willow exclaims when she sees Buffy's face. She rushes to Buffy.

" Hey, Will. HEY!!! OOOMF" Buffy says, as Willow hugs her tightly. She makes a groaning, whimpering sound.

" You're HURT! Oh my god!" Willow frets, looking at her lover.

" No big, Will." Buffy chuckles, " I just ran into a bunch of rather pissed- off demons. Guess they weren't in a mood to throw a " Welcome to San Francisco, Slayer" Party at the moment."

"Buffy, this is serious!" Willow says, taking Buffy's hand and starting to drag her upstairs, " We gotta get you fixed up!"

" C'mon, Will, not like it's the first time I've been hurt doing my job, " Buffy smiles, " I'll be fine. You know, slayer healing and all."

" Buffy, you look pretty roughed up. Maybe we should go to the hospital…have you…" Willow starts to say, but Buffy cuts her off.

" No! No hospital!' Buffy declares, adamant." It's just some bruises. I'll heal ok"

" Buffy!" Willow says, worried, " there might be internal bleeding…"

" No… no hospital!" Buffy says, cutting off the discussion, " I've been hurt worse lots of times. Gonna be fine!"

Willow stands silent, but looks worried and upset.

" Ahhh, so cute, " Buffy says, coming over to Willow and gingerly putting her arms around her, " So worried." She kisses Willow's face, " Gonna just kiss away all those silly worry warts," Buffy says, softly.

" Buffeee, " Willow says, " I'm just so worried about you". Willow is afraid to embrace Buffy…afraid she'll hurt her.

" Silly-Billy-Willy" Buffy says, kissing Willow lightly on the lips, " I'm fine. Everything's fine now. Just let me grab a shower, and a nap, and we'll talk, ok?".

" I'm sorry, Buffy, " Willow says, a little contritely, " I didn't mean to get all stupid earlier."

" No, Will, you were right, " Buffy says, " I promise. We're gonna tell everyone. I love you, Will, I really, really do. I just… I just need a little more time…"

" Shhh, baby, just give me more kisses" Willow says, breathily. God, she can be in a hospital bed, and she gets me hot. Sigh, I'm never gonna win with her, if my hormones keep doing my thinking.

Buffy happily obliges, and Willow gently puts her arms around Buffy's hips. Buffy stiffens a little, then relaxes into the soft Willowy goodness of the kisses.

Both are so occupied by the kissing, that they fail to hear the door open. In walks Dawn, carrying a couple of suitcases. She kicks the door shut.

" Hey WILL… I'm HOME. I was thinking, maybe this year we could arrange somehow for me to…." She calls out, but is cut off when she sees Willow and somebody… kissing? OH, WOW!! " Oh… gosh…sorry…geeze, " Dawn says, blushing, " I didn't know you had company, Will, " She says, her tone not at all apologetic, more pleased. She's been worried because Will has been such a recluse when it comes to dating. " I'll just be on my way…." She starts to back out, then stops. Freezes.

Because 'company' turns around, and is in the form of …

**" BUFFY???"  
**

* * *

To be continued. 


	3. Part 3

More pieces to her puzzle

By Norwalker

Part 3 of 4

Summary: A sequel to " All the little pieces", this is a rewrite of "More pieces to the puzzle". I guess a bit of a re-titling too. Set after the series, the slayer and the witch have finally 'found' each other. So, things should be smooth sailing from here, right? Happy every after. But, what little secrets are hiding under the surface? Stay tuned.

Spoilers/ setting: This story is set after " Chosen", the end of the BtVS series. There are _possible_ spoilers from any of the seasons. However, if your reading this, I'm taking it you're a fan and have seen the entire series. If not, you might want to stop reading now( I hope you won't).

Rating: R for some sexual content, and some controversial themes.

**_Warnings_**: This story contains scenes of child abuse and it's consequences. The author does not find it amusing in any way, it's not for 'entertainment' purposes. Unfortunately, all too often it happens. If you suspect child abuse is occurring, I hope you will find help for the victim. Once such resource is the National Child Abuse hotline at 1-800- 4 A Child.

* * *

"Buffy?", Dawn says, heart sinking. _Oh no, what's SHE doing here? She's gonna be so peed off at me!_

"Dawn?", Buffy says, looking at Dawn. _Damn. Why is she here? And suitcases… are those suitcases? Does she live here? What the HELL is going on! She's supposed to be in England… at Cambridge. What is she doing here, anyway? _"What're you doing here?"

" Willow, didn't you tell her?" Dawn turns to Willow, not loving the expression on Buffy's face.

" Willow?" Buffy looks at Willow for an explanation, " Tell me what?"

" Buffy!" Willow says, looking anxious. _Damn, in all the excitement, I forgot about Dawnie. Not good. The look Buffy's giving me… so not good! "_ Buffy…ummm… ummm… well, Buffy…"

"That's my name, Will, don't wear it out", Buffy says, a slight mocking tone creeping into her voice, " So, now would somebody like explain to me what Dawnie's doing here?" She walks away from Dawn and Willow and turns on them, " when a certain person I know" stern look to Dawn, " is supposed to be in Cambridge, England. At the university. Oh… doing things like studying. Inquiring minds wanna know." Buffy crosses her arms over her chest, wincing because of the bruising.

" Now, Buffy, before you go all postal on Dawnie, " Willow says, trying to intervene, " There's a good reason why she's here".

" Buffy?" Dawn says, finally getting a good look at her sister, noting the bruises on her face, " Are you ok? You look like you've been fighting!".

"Really not the issue, Dawn," Buffy says, deflecting Dawn's question," the issue is why aren't you at school? Why are you in San Francisco? Why don't I know about this?".

"Buffy," Willow says, trying to keep the situation calm, " Dawn had some… problems at Cambridge, and …well… I talked to Giles, and we agreed it might be a good idea… if Dawn came here…"

" Talked to Giles?" Buffy says, puzzled, her anger starting to grow, " You mean, Giles knew? You knew? Everybody knew, except her sister? Why IS that?"

" Do you really care, Buffy?" Dawn says in that slightly angry/bitter voice only she can manage.

"Of course I care, Dawn! " Buffy says, defensively, " you're my sister. I care a bunch about you, what happens to you!"

" Dawn, that's not fair, Buffy cares about you!" Willow says, trying to mediate, " I thought you were going to call her, tell her what happened. Why didn't you?"

" Not why, Will. How?" Dawn says, " I mean, she's running around the country, here , there and everywhere. Who knows where she's going to be month to month, anyway? 'Finding herself'. What a load. She was probably partying her ass off, glad to dump me in England with Giles, " Dawn look at Buffy with an angry expression, " On yeah, I'm gonna try to track her down, so I can get scolded long distance. Yeah, that's gonna happen!"

"Dawn?" Buffy says, a hurt expression on her face, " I'm sorry. I mean… I … wait a minute. Why're you jumping all over me?" Buffy says, switching moods, " You know I care about you. Excuse me for being upset when I find out you've left school without a word to me. Excuse me if I'm upset, 'cuz I know Giles pulled a lot of strings, and paid a pretty hefty sum, to get you into Cambridge_. WHERE YOU WANTED TO GO IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! _And really excuse me when it gets dumped in my lap, without warning, and I'm not like dancing la-la-la through the fields about it, " Buffy shifts moods again, seeing Dawn getting upset, " look, Dawn. I really care about you. I know right now you're thinking I don't , but I do. And I've always let you know where I am , in case you needed me. That's why it kinda hurts to have to find out this way, like you gotta sneak behind my back. You never said word one how you felt. If I'd known you wanted me to hang in England, I would've. I guess I thought you wanted some independence from your old sis, " Buffy says, her tone quieter now. " You seemed so jazzed about going to Cambridge. Now you're not. I want … I just want to understand it."

" I failed, " Dawn said, quietly, " I screwed up, ok? I went there, all full of myself, thinkin' I was gonna take Cambridge by storm, make a big deal. Instead, I was treated like dirt, because some " mystery alumnus" got me in. I was looked down on, thought to be some spoiled rich kid that bought her way in. No one wanted to be my friend. No one wanted me there. I tried, really tried to prove I belonged. Some joke, huh?" Dawn's voice is bitter, " All I did was make it worse. I stuck it out long as I could, Buffy. But I just couldn't do it anymore," Dawn can't look at Buffy, doesn't want to see the disappointment on her face, " So, I called Giles, and Willow, and told them. They agreed that I should leave, if it wasn't working out. I came here, going to UC Berkley. Doing ok. But, " Dawn looks down, " I knew you were so proud of me going to Cambridge, being like, the brain of the family, I … I couldn't tell you. I … was ashamed, " Dawn's voice is low, " I let you down."

Buffy crosses to Dawn. Despite her injuries, Buffy takes her into a hug.

"Dawn, honey, " Buffy says, holding her sister close, " don't be silly. You didn't let me down. Cambridge just wasn't the right place for you, " Buffy says, " And don't you ever think that I'm ashamed of you, Dawnie. I don't care what you do, as long as you're happy. I just… well, it just hurt to think that you couldn't come to me with this, " Buffy says, a little guilt in her voice, " Guess I'm the one who should be ashamed. I wasn't there for you when you needed me. But hey, you're here now, and doing well. Who needs that old Cambridge, anyway? Their loss, I'm thinking. Besides, one Giles is enough for any family, don't ya think?"

Dawn, though upset, can't help chuckling a little at the image. She looks up at Buffy, and her expression turns to one of concern. " Buffy, what's this? I thought you weren't slaying anymore?" Dawn reaches out to Buffy's face, gently touching the bruises. Buffy winces.

" Yeah, well… someone tell the demons that, ok? Kinda got attacked while I was out… you should see _them_, though. Nice gooey piles of phlegm… mmmm… yummy" Buffy makes a face.

" Wait a minute… wait a MINUTE… You…and Will.. you were … I saw you kissing when I came in… oh my god, oh my god, OH MY GOD!" Dawn starts bouncing around. " You and Will… I mean… really? " She looks all happy. She starts running back and forth between Will and Buffy… then Buffy and Will… finally she just perches, murmuring " You and Will… I never … that's… that's just so GREAT!" She beams at them.

Buffy looks at Will, shrugging resignedly. Will just blushes. They both look at Dawn.

" I guess the cat's clawed its way outta the bag, Buffy" Willow says quietly.

"Yeah, ok. But I still kinda want to … keep it just in this room, ok?" Buffy says, " just for awhile, ok?" She looks pointedly at Dawn.

"What?" Dawn asks, defensively and peevishly at the same time, " What'd I do?"

"Nothing … YET, " Buffy says, " but I know you, Dawnie. And keeping secrets is not one of your strong points. So, please try not to run to the nearest phone and spread the news just yet. This is kinda new yet… we're still … well, just for now, don't want everybody getting all… you know" Buffy finishes lamely.

Dawn looks over Buffy's shoulder, and is greeted by a " Don't look at me" look from Willow. She turns back to Buffy. " Ok, but… gee, I don't get it. I thought… well, you guys would want to tell everybody. I think it's totally cool. You and Willow. Gee. Gotta say, wasn't expecting this. I mean, didn't think you were…gay, Buffy."

Huh?" Buffy says, blushing, "not gay."

" Oh, PLEASE, " Dawn says, " Ok, what would you call it then? " Dawn says with a knowing grin.

Buffy looks at her sister like she's lost her mind. " Just because… I mean, well… just the fact that I love Will…doesn't mean… I…"

" I think what our tongue tied Buffy is trying to say, " Willow says, calmly, " is just because we kinda found each other now… doesn't mean she's like gay. You know?"

"Yeah, sure … huh?" Dawn looks bewildered. Then her brow furrows, " no, wait. If it talks like a duck, and walks like a duck…"

"Look, Dawnie. Not labeling this. As far as I know Buffy hasn't shown any interest in other women", Willow says," Have you, dear?"

" Will, please!" Buffy says, blushing deeper, " God, I love you. Not looking around…not wanting to! "

" Better not, " Willow says, mock sternly, " Not thinking Buffy finds guys … well, repulsive either. Of course, that's not saying I'm like giving you permission to date guys, either, sweetie," Willow looks at Buffy with a sweet smile.

_Why doesn't the floor like open up and swallow me when I need it to?_ Buffy thinks to herself, getting redder by the minute.

"Will, what's the deal?" Dawn says, " Why're you going into teaching mode?"

"Cuz, Dawnie darling, it's not about being gay or straight or the like. We love each other. Being whatever label you wanna put on it isn't relevant. If you're surprised, it should be because you didn't get that Buffy and I might have these feelings. Not because of a gay-ness thing." Willow says, pointedly," Don't make it about that, ok?"

"WhatEVER, " Dawn says, shrugging, " Just that… ok, well… I'm thinking at least Buffy's got smarter."

" Ok, my turn, " Buffy says, "HUH?"

"Well, Buffy, you gotta admit," Dawn says," You gotta pretty lousy record for picking loser boyfriends."

"I repeat, HUH?" Buffy says, feeling more than a little irritated.

" Buffy, geeze, c'mon, " Dawn says, acerbically, " first there's Angel. Talk about you hopeless romances. You pick a guy, ok, he's real cute and all, but you pick a guy whose like 200 years older than you, and gets all evil when you like… do it!" Dawn gives her a sidelong glance, " Willow told me about the curse thing."

Buffy looks at Willow, who just apologetically shrugs. Buffy looks pained.

"And after he comes back, you get all googly over him again. He like has to leave town for you to get it, that it's over"

Buffy stares at Dawn, intently, her lips pressed tightly together.

"Then you go for Riley… GI Joe guy. What a dork!" Dawn says.

" Hey, Riley was ok. I loved Riley!" Buffy protests.

" Uh-huh, that's why you let him fly away, then?" Dawn grills her.

" I didn't 'let him'! He chose that!" Buffy says, defensively.

" Why is that, Buffy? "Dawn asks, " Didn't you like, take care of him? Why'd he run away? Gotta be a reason. Guys don't just leave town for no reason" Dawn makes an impatient noise," Still wondering what you saw in him. Or he in you", Dawn shrugs, " Boy, when he came back with a wife, who was so much more gorgeous than you, did you like take a dive…"

"What. Did. You. Expect. Dawn?" Buffy emphasizes each word, her temper building on each.

" If you were so in love with him, Buffy, why didn't you try harder to keep him?" Dawn asks, " you just let him go, right?"

" So, you've got it all figured out then, Percept-o girl?" Buffy asks, with an edge in her tone.

"Well, even I can see a pattern here, Buffy, " Dawn retorts, " I mean, you seem to drive them away in droves!"

"Dawn, I think you've said more than enough" Willow says, her voice stern._ What the hell is she doing?_

" Oh, no, Will. Please, let her go on, " Buffy says, contemptuously, " She's got it all scoped out, don't ya Dawnie? So, Dawnie, what was my deal with Spike?"

" Never mind, " Dawn says, retreating, " It doesn't matter anyway."

" No, Dawn, please. Share your wisdom with me, please, " Buffy is barely holding onto her temper.

"God, Buffy, who can even figure that one out? It was like " come here, doggie, go away doggie, no, come here doggie, no go away doggie. The guy was like all gaga over you," Dawn says, " you didn't know what you wanted. How'm I supposed to know?"

" Gee, thought you knew EVERYTHING, Dawnie, " Buffy says acidly.

Dawn mumbles something under her breath.

"What? Didn't hear that Dawn, " Buffy says, harshly

" I said, " Dawn repeats, slowly, with an icy tone, " At least I know not to let somebody back in the house after he tries to rape me!"

" HE'D CHANGED, DAWN!" Buffy yells at her, " HE HAD A SOUL!"

" Yeah, who says? Him? What proof, Buffy? You put us all in danger on his word!" Dawn spits at her." That soul sure didn't keep him from feeding when the first got to him!".

"So what should've I done, Dawn?" Buffy says, " leave him in the school basement so he could get crazier? Or maybe I shoulda just staked him. Would that've given you a happy?"

" I didn't say that Buffy, " Dawn replies, her voice quiet. " I'm just thinking that you were so … distracted, or whatever, that you didn't think about it. Like a lot of stuff. You just kinda went on instinct."

"_Distracted_? Don't you mean _self-involved_, Dawn? Isn't that what you're going for?" Buffy says, harshly, " That's what you're really trying to say to me, isn't it? I didn't give a damn about you, or the girls, or anyone, because I was too much into myself, isn't it?"

" I didn't say that, Buffy, " Dawn says.

" No, you didn't come right out and use those exact words, Dawn, but pretty clear what you meant," Buffy is getting angrier by the minute, " So, what's the real beef here, Dawn? Why're we doing this, anyway?

" Never mind, not my business, " Dawn says, backing off.

" Hey, guys, maybe we should all take a break, let things kinda chill a little, " Willow says, trying to be the peacemaker.

" Thanks, Will, but I'm thinking my sis is really jonesing to say something to me, something she's wanted to say for awhile. So, Dawn, c'mon… you went down this track, what is it?" Buffy's face has hardened into the look she reserves for slaying, " What does my dating history got to do with anything, anyway?"

" Just that… nothing. It's nothing, " Dawn changes her mind, " Sorry I said anything." She backs away, and starts to go upstairs. Buffy moves to block her way.

" No! Don't start something and don't finish it , Dawn. Spill it" Buffy says, not letting Dawn get by.

" C'mon, guys, please. Everybody's tired, nerves are frayed," Willow says, again trying to keep this from spinning out of control, " let's get some sleep, and we can talk in the morning, ok?".

Buffy, however, isn't giving an inch. She stands there, blocking Dawn's way. Dawn goes this way and that way, trying to get around her sister, but Buffy blocks her at every mood. Finally, exasperated, she quits.

" Ok, Buffy, you want the truth?" Dawn says, " here's the truth. I love you both. I think … somehow, you should be together. But… I'm afraid for you both, too. Something's… not right, Buffy. Not when it comes to you and relationships."

"What do you know, Dawn? You're just a …." Buffy gets interrupted.

"Just a kid? That's what you want to say, isn't it?" Dawn finishes for Buffy, " but even a kid can see you've got something going on. You… push people away. I don't know why, but its true," Dawn sees Buffy's expression. " Please, don't give me that look!"

"What?" Buffy says, unaware, "What look?"

" The ' You know jack about it' look, Buffy" Dawn says," not everybody goes around in their own little world. I've seen you do it time and time again. The only time you go all out, it seems, is for when they treat you badly. I don't understand that, but it's also true. It really makes me crazy, because I care about you, and I care about Will. If … well, if you follow what you've done before, it's going to be bad. And, I don't want that… much as I think you two belong together. I don't want to see you hurt Will ," Dawn says, " I won't let you hurt Willow!"

Buffy and Willow both look startled. Buffy, in particular, looks as if Dawn just hit her. Her expression reflects her hurt and disbelief.

" Dawn… I… I'd never hurt Willow. I love her, Dawnie, " Buffy says, aggrieved. " I'd do anything to make her happy!"

" Buffy, I really think you believe that, " Dawn says, " but I can only go on what I've seen." Dawn pauses, looking at her sister intently." There's something, Buffy, I can't quite make it out. But you're hiding something… and it scares me."

" I'm not hiding anything, Dawn, I promise, " Buffy lies.

" I wish I could believe you, Buffy, " Dawn says," I just can't".

" Fine," Buffy says, her mood turning sour," believe whatever the hell you want". She storms towards the door, " thing is, I don't have to stand her and listen to it."

" Buffy? Where are you going?" Willow says, upset and concerned.

" Out, " Buffy says, opening the door, "I gotta get outta here"

" Baby, please, don't leave!" Willow says, her voice trembling.

Buffy's look softens, " I'll be back soon, honey. I just gotta …" She looks at Dawn, her anger rising, " Not be here right now". She turns, and leaves, slamming the door behind her.

" Willow, I didn't mean for her to leave!" Dawn says, regretfully, " I really didn't!"

" Shut up, Dawn. You've said more than enough for tonight, " Willow says, her voice hard, " just go to bed, or something. Really not wanting to see you right now!"

Willow turns and leaves, climbing the stairs quickly. In a minute, Dawn hears a door upstairs slam close.

Dawn is left alone…

feeling like an idiot.

* * *

_Nice act, Buffy, _Buffy's mind works overtime as she starts to run. _They'll never see through that one! They'll never guess your secret now, will they? Oh, no. You're too smart for that, Buffy. You got 'em fooled. They'll never see what you are. _

_Yeah, sure. Dawn's already got it sorta figured out. She knows something's up. It's not good, it's not good. She'll figure it out… she'll tell. Then they'll… leave me. I know it. They'll be disgusted with me. They'll know…goddamn it, why's she gotta mess it up for me? Why can't she let me have some happiness? Oh god, Will… she'll know. I can see her looking at me, the revulsion in her eyes… she'll leave me. Like they always leave me. Cuz they can tell what I am. That I'm bad. I'm dirty!_

_Dirty girl!_

" Stop it!" Buffy says, to no one but herself, " STOP!"

_Dirty girl!_

"No," Buffy cries, " This is bad. This is real bad!"

_Dirty girl!_

" I'm not a dirty girl , I'm not!" Buffy cries, " Stop saying that!"

Why, little girl? You know you're a dirty girl. Stop trying to deny it.

" Daddy?" Buffy stops, looking around, feeling lost and confused. " Daddy?"

Hello, punkin. It's time for the game ,honey. Come play with daddy.

"No, Daddy, I don't want to play, " Buffy says, backing away. Her voice takes on a child-like quality.

C'mon, sweetie. Be daddy's girl. Don't you like being daddy's girl?

" Yes, Daddy, " Buffy says. Her voice is flat.

Buffy… don't take that tone with me! You know you're a bad girl. You make things bad here. Stop being such a bad girl. Show me what a good girl does.

" Don' wanna" Buffy says, her tone childish and petulant. She stands, fists balled, head down, face defiant.

So, you're going to be a bad girl? Is that it, Buffy? Do I have to punish you again?

" No, Daddy, please… don't punish me again!" Buffy's face is fearful. She scrunches down, trying to hide.

You're being bad, Buffy. Daddy doesn't like bad girls. Bad girls don't deserve daddy's love. You need to be punished. He opens the closet door. He points inside. Get inside, Buffy. You need to be punished!

" Mommy? Help me mommy, please!" Buffy says, but she's walking to the closet that only exists in her mind.

You're mommy doesn't love you, Buffy. She hates you. Why shouldn't she? You're nothing but a bad girl. Bad, you're always bad. Always defiant. Now be quiet. I don't want to hear a sound out of you. You're being punished.

" But, Daddy…" Buffy says, near tears.

BE QUIET!!!

The door in Buffy's mind slams shut.

Buffy sits down on the sidewalk, not aware of her surroundings, or where she is.

All she knows is that she's in the bad place. The place where bad girls go… girls who defy their daddies. It's dark here, and hot. There's no fresh air; the air smells rank and dusty. And she can hear the scratching. The noises the things in the dark make. The things that hurt bad girls. Like her.

They're getting closer… They want to hurt her. She pounds on the door, but no one answers.

" Daddy, please, let me out. I won't be bad anymore, just let me out" She cries, sobbing and scared. She can here there squeals now…and she's afraid. So afraid. She's bad, she doesn't want to be bad, but she's bad. They'll hurt her, and bite her, and ….

" DADDY PLEASE LET ME OUT!" Buffy screams " I'LL BE GOOD!!! PLEASE!!!"

But no one comes, no one hears her. She's alone… with those things. She can hear them getting closer, their squeals getting louder. She can hear them clattering in the walls.

She retreats to a corner, scrunching down into a ball. She pulls her knees up to her chin, and watches. Watching for the things coming closer. Her eyes are wide in fear, and her heart is pounding fast in her chest.

She pushes tighter into the corner.

Watching.

Waiting.

* * *

Willow looks at the alarm clock in their bedroom, again. She gets up, and walks to the window, looking out. But she doesn't see anything. She doesn't see Buffy.

Buffy's been gone a long time Willow thinks to herself. Too long.

Willow knows Buffy can sometimes be awfully quick to anger. But she's also quick to get over it. Usually a little time alone, and a quick walk, will dissipate her anger. She may not come back full of sunshine and puppies, but she's generally calmed down and reasonable. Usually it takes maybe half an hour, an hour max.

But she's been gone nearly 3 hours now, and Willow's past the beginning stages of worry. She's not panicking; she knows Buffy can take care of herself. But she's worried… Buffy was pretty upset when she left. Ok, she was damned angry! Willow remembers, I can't remember her being that angry with Dawn before. She looked like she wanted to kill her.

Willow sighs. Dawn. I love the girl, but sometimes she can really use the mouth before the brain engages. What was she trying to do, anyway? Protect me? From what? Buffy? Now, that's gotta be the sweetest and dumbest thing I've ever seen. I mean, I love Dawn for looking out for me, though honey, I really think I can do that myself, but god, Buffy wouldn't hurt me, I know that! I mean, not deliberately. Ok, she's really got a crappy relationship history, but thinking here that I'm a little better at dealing with things than her past loves. Dawn, honey, I love you but honest, I don't need a mommy!

But something else is nagging at Willow. Something Dawn said. Something that rang true.

Hiding something. Something about Buffy hiding something. Willow thinks it over, turning it one way or the next. She shakes her head. That's silly. She's not hiding something. That's … but somehow, it strikes a chord in Willow. She's been with Buffy only a few weeks, but … there's something there that … just doesn't fit. Nothing I can put my finger on… just little things. Likes, sometimes she'll just kinda go off… like I'm not even there. It's only for a moment or two, but I can see it in her eyes. It's like she's somewhere else. There's that thing with the attic back in Chicago. She threw some stuff up there, and I asked her to get it down… and she like nearly panicked. She started sweating and shaking, God I thought she was going to bolt. I finally did it myself, but … I've never seen her like that! She joked about it later… said ever since Amy turned her into a rat that time in High School, she's had a thing about attics. Ok, not getting that, but I let it go.

But I guess the thing that really gives me a wig is during sex. Most of the time, ok, great, make me go crazy great. But a couple of times… she's gotten this look on her face… like she was scared of me. She drew up in a ball, and wouldn't say anything… just asked me if she'd been a bad girl. Ok, first time I thought…gee, cute. She likes games. But the other times? Ok, major weird. But I didn't want to say anything, cuz she had this look in her eyes… freaky. Willow shudders.

She looks at the clock again, and shakes her head. I gotta go find her. She's been gone way too long. Something Dawnie said hit her hard, tonight. I gotta let her know whatever it is , it's ok. She doesn't have to hide anything from me. I gotta let her know I love her, no matter what.

Willow leaves her room, making towards the staircase when she hears the front door open. Looking down, she sees Buffy quietly letting herself in. She's about to call out to Buffy, but something in Buffy's behavior stops her. She stands at the top of the stairs, watching her.

Buffy looks around, furtively. She scans the room, and looks up, seeing Willow. Her face gets a " oh, god" look on it, and she begins to turn around towards the front door again. She's not really ready to face the Wrath of Willow quite yet.

" Buffy!" Willow calls down to her. Buffy freezes. Willow descends the stairs.

" Hi, Will, " Buffy says, trying to avoid any confrontation with Willow. Her whole body language says she's not in fight mode, more flight mode.

" ' Hi, Will?' " , Willow repeats, her face a mixture of relief, and irritation, and disbelief. " You storm out of here, you've been gone 3 hours, and I catch you…well, sneaking back in, and you say ' Hi, Will' ?" She gives Buffy a somewhat stern look

Buffy, head down, looks up at Willow with her patented " I'm sorry" look: The eyes looking up at Willow from under her lashes, her lip slightly pouted out, almost in quiver mode. Her hands are nervously clasped in front of her.

" Oh, stop it, Buffy!" Willow says, her voice irritated… much more irritated than she feels, because like just about everyone else, she's very susceptible to the ' Buffy' looks. The " sad little waif" look tugs at her heart strings at the very same time she's majorly irritated at herself for it working on her… again. But she grits her teeth… She's not getting off so easily THIS time, Willow thinks to herself, resolved.

" Buffy, " Willow says, exasperated, " Why did you stay away for so long? Do you know you've been gone 3 hours?"

Buffy nods.

" I was worried about you. I know you can take care of yourself, but you're injured" Willow says, gently poking her. Buffy lets out a little yelp, and winces, " Slayer healing or no, it wasn't safe for you out there. I know Dawn upset you, but … why did you stay away so long? I was just about to come looking for you. God, Buffy, did you even think?" Willow makes an ' I give up' gesture, and turns and walks away from Buffy. Damn, I hate this. I don't want to be mad at her. Goddess, I just want to hold her and hug her and kiss her crazy. But she does these things and then thinks I'll just melt and forgive her. Well, she's got another think coming!

"Sorry, Will, " Buffy says quietly in her little girl voice, " I guess… I dunno… I made such a scene over nothing. Kinda embarrassed to come home… didn't want to face you. I was such a dork!"

'Yeah you were, " Willow agrees, " I mean, geeze, Buffy, I expect YOU to be an adult. We're 25 years old, Buffy, not teenagers anymore. You can't just get all hot under the collar and storm out over every little thing." Willow says this with her back to Buffy, because if she turns around she know she's gonna cave. " Dawn is still a kid, barely 20. She gets to act stupid sometimes, and we gotta just … well, sometimes, we gotta act mature, and not let pride and everything get all in the way. Do you see what I mean?" She makes a fatal mistake, and turns around, seeing Buffy looking all forlorn. Her heart turns to melted marshmallows. Her anger dissipates like the morning fog. " I guess, however, Dawn did say some pretty crappy stuff, " her tone softens. No matter how hard she tries, she can't stay mad when she looks at Buffy. She walks over, and afraid she'll hurt her, she lays a hand gently on her shoulder. " Baby, don't you know how much I care about you? When you go disappearing for so long, I get worried. That's all. I'm not really mad at you… just… I get worried," She leans in, and gives Buffy a little kiss on the forehead, " You're my sweetie, I don't want anything bad to happen to you!".

" Oh, Will, " Buffy says, her lip quivering for real, her eyes tearing up, " I'm so sorry. I just… I'm so scared. I love you so much, I want to be with you forever, but I'm … it's so different for me. I'm not confident like you. This is all new ground for me, " Buffy pulls Willow closer and hugs her, despite the pain she's feeling, " I've known you for so long, and you mean so much to me. I'm so afraid I'm gonna blow it, and lose you. That's what got to me tonight. Dawn was so close to the truth. I've done so horribly bad with relationships, I don't ever want to make it where you don't want to be with me anymore," Buffy is sobbing now, truly upset at the thought of losing Willow.

"Buffy, honey, " Willow says, holding her gently, rubbing her back, " silly girl. I'm not going to leave you!"

" But you might, Willow, " Buffy says, not comforted, " I can be so bad. So bad. I … can do such bad things. Willow, I'd die if I hurt you, don't you see? I can't even think about that. It hurts too much."

"Buffy, Buffy … look at me, Buffy, " Willow says, holding her at arm's length, gently lifting Buffy's chin, " I'm no angel, either. I can do bad things. I don't think we need any proof of that one!, " she exclaims, her tone ironic, " thing is, honey, we love each other. Right?"

Buffy nods

" Then, we work stuff out. There'll be bad times, sure. But I'm believing that on the whole, the good times are gonna be a lot more than the bad times, " Willow says, gently. " Don't you think so?"

"Yes," Buffy says, her voice strained, " I don't know what the what is, Will. I just… feel so scared. That I'm gonna do something terrible, embarrass and hurt you so bad, you'll wind up hating me. I've screwed up so many times, Will, I can't count them all. Even with you. I just need some time to … get more confident, more comfortable."

" Buffy, " Willow says, afraid to broach the subject, but knowing she has to, " if there's anything you want to tell me… anything, Buffy, you know you can, right?"

Buffy looks at her intently, her expression inquiring. Does she know? Has she guessed? But Buffy doesn't see the expected revulsion, the loathing she'd know would be in Will's eyes if she knew.

" There's nothing, Will, " Buffy lies, convincingly, " I promise, nothing!".

Willow looks at Buffy, and she can sense that Buffy's holding something back. She's lying to me, I know it!

" Are you sure, Buffy?" Willow says, giving her another chance.

For the tiniest second, Buffy wants to tell her. Tell her everything. What a dirty, bad girl she is. But she can't. She knows she can't. Willow would leave her, run away from her. And Buffy couldn't take that.

" No, nothing, Will," Buffy lies again, " really, there's nothing."

Willow feels hurt. She knows , she just knows there's something Buffy is keeping locked away in her heart. It hurts, more than Willow would believe. But she also knows that somehow, someway, she's gotta hang in there, keep things open… and hope Buffy will come in time to trust her enough to tell her.

" Ok, honey, " Willow says, pulling Buffy close. " Ok"

They hug not saying anything more. But if they could see each other's expressions, they'd be shocked.

Buffy at Willow's saddened hurt.

Willow at Buffy's quiet desperation.

* * *

To be continued. 


	4. Part 4

More pieces to her puzzle

By Norwalker

Part 4 of 4

Summary: A sequel to " All the little pieces", this is a rewrite of "More pieces to the puzzle". I guess a bit of a re-titling too. Set after the series, the slayer and the witch have finally 'found' each other. So, things should be smooth sailing from here, right? Happy every after. But, what little secrets are hiding under the surface? Stay tuned.

Spoilers/ setting: This story is set after " Chosen", the end of the BtVS series. There are _possible_ spoilers from any of the seasons. However, if your reading this, I'm taking it you're a fan and have seen the entire series. If not, you might want to stop reading now( I hope you won't).

Rating: R for some sexual content, and some controversial themes.

**_Warnings_**: This story contains scenes of child abuse and it's consequences. The author does not find it amusing in any way, it's not for 'entertainment' purposes. Unfortunately, all too often it happens. If you suspect child abuse is occurring, I hope you will find help for the victim. Once such resource is the National Child Abuse hotline at 1-800- 4 A Child.

* * *

The next morning at breakfast, things seem to be normal. At least, things have calmed down. Buffy and Dawn came to a mutual silent agreement that fighting, at least in front of Willow, is a big no – no. Anyway, Buffy doesn't want to stay mad at her sister. After all, they'll be living under the same roof again, and fighting with Dawn for any length of time becomes a war of wills… one that Buffy, strangely enough, hardly ever wins against Dawn. _Better to just let things go, and see how they work out._ Buffy thinks to herself.

Dawn, for her part, is just glad to have things settled. She's still stinging a little from last night's fight, but after thinking about it, realizes she said some pretty harsh things to Buffy last night. And Willow was really peed off at her. When she came down this morning, she found Buffy fussing around the kitchen. Buffy greeted her warmly, as if last night hadn't happened, and Dawn decided to play along._ If she can just let it go, well so can ! Like, she's better than me or something?_ In the upshot, Dawn's feeling pretty embarrassed, and isn't about to challenge Buffy's letting it slide.

Willow comes downstairs, wound up tighter than an old pocket watch. She's afraid Dawn and Buffy would either be fighting, or staring at each other in stony silence. So, she's immensely relieved when the first sound she hears out of the kitchen coming down the stairs is laughter. She quietly looks in the kitchen, and finds Buffy and Dawn engaging in some harmless horseplay… a very good sign. Feeling a huge grin spread across her face, she enters the kitchen.

" Morning, guys, " Willow says brightly. " Something smells nice".

" Mornin', sweet pea, " Buffy says, from the stove. She comes over and gives Willow a hug and kiss," made omelets. Want my girls to start the morning right". Buffy wanders back to the stove, turning the omelet in the pan.

" Oh, baby, I… gosh, sweetie, " Willow says, a little contritely, " not sure I've got time for much breakfast. Running a little late… got to get school to work out my course plan for this semester. Classes start next week, you know."

" You're going to work?" Buffy asks, looking a little lost and hurt. " I thought we'd spend the day together, do a little wandering around, maybe a little shopping?"

" I'm sorry, baby, but I've really got to start the course planning, " Willow says, " I've been gone for nearly a month, and Spring semester starts next week. I've really got to get back."

" Oh, ok, " Buffy says, disappointed but trying the put the best face on it she can. She turns to Dawn, " How about you and me, Dawnie? Doin' the mall thing, spending some sisterly-bonding time ?"

" Gee, Buffy, sorry, " Dawn says, " But I gotta get registered at school. I'm already late registering, and I won't get any of the classes I need if I don't do it today, " Dawn says, " maybe another time?"

" Yeah, sure, " Buffy says, quietly. " I think… well, maybe I should start looking for a job anyway. Not saying I don't like being leisure girl, but really, gotta contribute. Probably go crazy with nothing to do, anyway."

" Buffy, we're doing ok, money wise" Willow says, " I mean, there's no rush for you to go to work or anything…"

" No, Will, I need to do something. I mean, just sitting around all day, being the haus-frau? So not me!" Buffy smiles, " Anyway, be good for me to get out and about, don't you think?"

" Ok, sweetie, if you want to, " Willow says, " Oh, goodness, gotta fly. Sorry about the omelet, sweetie" Willow looks at the now cooling breakfast.

" No big, " Buffy says, smiling.

" We could meet for lunch if you like, Buffy, " Willow says.

" Naw… you'll be busy, and so will I, " Buffy says. She comes over and gives Willow a peck on the lips, " I'll see you tonight".

" Hey, gotta motor, " Dawn says, " I don't know how long registration's going to take. I might be late tonight".

" Ok, Dawnie, see ya when we see ya then, " Buffy says.

" Later" Dawn calls over her shoulder as she leaves. She disappears out the back door.

" You're sure your going to be ok?" Willow says, a little worried, " I mean, if you need me to, I can …"

" Don't be silly, Will. I just got it messed up is all. Geeze, not a kid. Don't need constant attention, " Buffy says, a little edge to her voice, " I'll see you tonight."

"Ok honey, " Willow says, coming over to give Buffy another kiss. Buffy offers up her cheek instead of her lips. Willow kisses her cheek, looking a little puzzled. Glancing briefly at Buffy, she leaves.

* * *

Buffy finds herself alone, kind of at odds of what to do now. She starts washing the dishes, and starts planning on doing a job search. _Gotta start being adult girl here, and pull my weight. Figure I'll scan the papers, maybe do some online job searches. Somethin's gotta turn up._

But in the back of her mind, fear is nibbling at the false front she's putting up. Being alone gives her time to think. To remember. To … relive the past. Things she doesn't like to do. Lately, it's been getting worse. Her carefully built persona has been cracking. The hurt, angry child inside has been making more and more appearances…taking her to awful places she doesn't want to go.

Back to her childhood. Back to a time that should've been happy and secure, and instead was a nightmare of abuse and rejection. Back to a time when her Daddy was still in her life, when he used her and abused her, and made her think it was her fault. Back to the game, the game she shuts out from her mind, because it's too upsetting to think about. Back to the time when she was locked in the dark attic, kept there as punishment for being a bad girl.

Buffy fights to keep it together._ That's past, it's in the past. He's gone, he can't hurt me anymore. I… I wasn't bad, it wasn't my fault._ She grabs the newspaper, determined to do some job hunting. _If I'm working, I can't think about it. I gotta find something…_ But despite her best efforts, her mind drifts…

"Who's my girl?" Hank asks, hugging his daughter tightly.

" I'm your girl, Daddy, " Buffy says, throwing her arms around his neck.

Hank looks at Buffy, a strange expression on his face.

" You're growing up so fast, honey," Hank says softly, " you're becoming quite the beautiful girl".

Buffy, pleased with her father's attentions, blushes and smiles shyly. He's always so busy, always so tied up with work, or something, that she hardly sees him. His attentions are welcome, and appreciated.

" You know I love you, don't you Buffy?" Hank asks, his voice throaty.

" Yes, Daddy, I know" Buffy smiles at him, hugging him and snuggling in his arms.

" You're just so special, Buffy, " Hank says, beginning to caress Buffy. " You're daddy's special girl".

Buffy feels funny at the way her daddy is touching her, but accepts it as part of his affection for her. Still, some part of her feels … uneasy about it all.

" Buffy, do you want to play a game with daddy?" Hank asks, quietly, " A special game for Daddy's and their daughters?".

"What kind of game, Daddy?" Buffy asks, puzzled and excited at the same time.

" A game that shows how much I love you, and how much you love me" Hank says.

" I love you, Daddy, " Buffy says, beginning to feel excited and … scared by Hank's touches. _But Daddy would never hurt me._

" I love you too, punkin" Hank says, pulling Buffy closer. He begins to kiss her face. " This is a special game, only for Daddy's and their daughters. It has to be a secret game, Buffy. Just our secret. Ok?"

"Y-Yes, Daddy, " Buffy says, despite the warm feeling Hank's caresses and kisses are giving her. She feels an unease, as if something's wrong. But she can't quite understand what.

" It's ok, Buffy, " Hank says, his voice low and slightly hoarse. " It's a fun game, a good game for good girls like my baby."

Buffy, still feeling a little scared, doesn't want to upset her Daddy. She loves her Daddy. Despite the unease and strangeness she's feeling, she simply nods her acquiescence.

" That's a good girl," Hank says.

He begins to undress her….

Buffy wakes from her reverie shaking and bathed in cold sweat. All the old feelings come back. Her heart is beating fast, and her breathing is short and ragged. Most of all, the fear, the shame, and the humiliation slam into her like a truck. She feels frozen, unable to move. The little voices, the nasty little whispers, begin in her mind.

_You're Daddy's little dirty girl, aren't you?_

_Touch it, Buffy. It's ok, I want you to. It's ok to touch it._

_I don't want to touch it, Daddy._ Buffy sounds frightened.

_Not nice to tease Daddy, Buffy. That's being bad._ Hank sounds angry, and frustrated. _You know what happens to bad girls._

_No… no, I don't wanna be bad, Daddy._ Buffy says, frightened, _I wanna be a good girl for you._

_Then do it, Buffy . Touch it! It won't hurt you!_ Hank is sounding more impatient.

_I… I can't, Daddy. I can't!_

Hank hits her bottom, hard. It leaves a red welt.

_Do it, Buffy… or I've gotta put you in the bad place!_

_I… I can't , Daddy, please, I can't _Buffy cries, really frightened. _Please don't put me in the bad place!_

_Do it, Buffy, or….._

_Nooo_

Hank lifts the naked little girl, and carries her to the attic. He sets her down, and stands over her.

_Then you stay here. Where bad girls go. Until you do it! _Hank starts to leave.

_No, Daddy… please… don't leave me here!_

But Hank has already gone, closing the attic door after himself. Buffy is alone, in the dark…and she can hear them… she knows the bad things are there… waiting for her….

_You were bad Buffy._

_A bad, bad girl. Very bad, making Daddy angry._

_Bad… you should be punished. _

_"Bad girl, bad girl, you're such a little bad girl"_

" No, no , no ! Stop it, stop it!" Buffy yells to herself, hitting herself. " Stop it. I wasn't bad. It was him. He was bad…he hurt me!"

_" Bad girl, bad girl, you're such a silly sad girl, bad girl!"_

"Stop it, stop it. Please stop it!" Buffy cries, using her fists to shut out the voices. But she can't stop it, it won't stop. She has to get out, get away… away from the voices that won't leave her alone.

Not seeing, not thinking, not caring, she bolts out the front door, running away…

* * *

Willow looks over her lecture notes. The first page of her lecture notes. For the fifth time. She tosses it away impatiently, and just gives up, staring out the window of her office.

This morning is still bothering her. _We didn't fight… exactly. But what changed her mood so suddenly? She went from cheerful Buffy to frowny Buffy in an instant. I know she was miffed because Me and Dawnie couldn't hang with her today, but… that doesn't even seem to be it. I mean, I could understand that. Not like it, but understand it. But she got all defensive after I offered to blow today off. More like she thought I was babying her. Something like that. I just don't get her sometimes._

There was more than that bothering her, however. It was a gradual accumulation of things that just seemed odd. _Like, last night, when she went postal on Dawnie. I mean, ok, Dawnie can really be annoying at times, no question about that. But she got upset all out of proportion. And where the HELL was she for so long, when she left? I mean, I can see her walking out for a bit to cool off… but 3 hours? That just doesn't make sense._

_Lots of stuff not making sense. That demon attack… what she said was a demon attack, anyway. Her clothes weren't ripped… yet she was covered with cuts and bruises. When I tried to help her 'patch up', she just got all weird and said she'd do it herself. God, she was so strange when I suggested going to a hospital. I mean I know she doesn't like hospitals, but this was different. Like she was afraid they'd find something out._

_She's been strange about a lot of things. She avoids talking about the last two years, as if she's hiding something. Sometimes, when she thinks I don't see it, I'll catch her looking at me, and I swear she looks afraid. Like I'm going to hurt her or something. The weirdest is when we make love. Sometimes she just withdraws… we've got to stop, because she's… panicky. I put it down, first couple of times, to the newness of what's happening. But even now, after we've been together awhile, I've got to be kinda careful of what I do, or she starts getting all nervous._

She shakes her head, and gets up, going to the window. _C'mon, Will, you're makin a big deal out of nothing. It's just the jitters from a new relationship. Things will change, accommodations gonna be made. You're getting paranoid for no good reason. _She continues to look out the window, the little fears niggling at the back of her mind. _No, not buying that. We've known each other for a long time. We've never had this kind of… strangeness about each other before. Ok, not been lovers til recently, but that shouldn't change THAT much. Something's not right… and she's hiding something, I can feel it. _

At that moment, her telephone rings. She goes over and answers it.

" Yes… this is Willow Rosenberg… yes, I know a Buffy Summers…." She listens for a bit, then Willow's face goes white, " What? Where? Is she…. " Willow seems to start breathing again," Yes, yes… I'm on my way over. Yes…ok, thank you…." Willow hangs up the phone. Looking dazed, she grabs her coat and purse, and leaves her office.

* * *

_Run, Buffy!_

Her breathing harsh and ragged, her lungs feeling like fire, her heart hammering her chest, Buffy keeps running. Her feet pelting the in a rhythmic tattoo, she keeps going. She can't stop or she'll be caught; what she fears most will snatch her up like a wolf. She runs, not looking left or right, only ahead

Run, Buffy, hurry. He's coming. He's mad. You've been bad, and he's mad.

Buffy is unaware of her surroundings. All she can see is ahead, all she can hear is his breathing, like a wounded animal. You scratched him, Buffy, trying to get away. You angered him, and now he's going to make you pay.

Run, run, run!!! He'll catch you, and you know what that means. The bad place for you, dirty girl. The bad place.

**_"Come back here, Buffy Summers! You come here now! You get back here, or it's only going to be worse1"_**

She hears his voice, harsh and angry, behind her. She can't let him catch her. _The bad place, oh, not the bad place, nooo. _She runs faster, she has to get away. She runs like her life depends on it.

"Come back, Buffy. It's ok, Daddy's not mad! Come back, I won't hurt you, I promise!"

But Buffy knows better. Daddy's furious, because she didn't want to play the game. When she tried to break away, he hit her, and tore her clothing. Frightened, she clawed at his face, scratching him. He roared his anger, and Buffy, temporarily freed, runs away.

Buffy's scared. His face was red, and all scrunched up. He looked like a monster, and now he was coming for her. He'll beat her, she knows this. He'll… put her in that place. The dark place. With the bad things in it. The things that bite and scratch…

Run, run, Buffy. Hide. Find a place to hide. Look around, find somewhere. Run, Buffy, and hide. Hide from the monster… the monster that wants to hurt you!

Buffy sees some trees, some bushes. _I can hide there! He'll never find me there! Safe. I'm safe!_ She veers her off towards the park, not looking. All she sees is her haven, her hidey-hole, a place to escape from the monster. The monster named Daddy.

He was late, in a hurry. The boss threw a report at him that had to be revised NOW! It was at the last minute, and he worked over, knowing all the time his wife was waiting. He'd gotten tickets to the show she'd wanted to see, and he knew if he hurried, he might still make it. If he didn't, he could expect to be sleeping alone for a week or so.

He looked down to adjust the radio. Only for a second. When he looked up, a young woman was in front of him, frozen by his headlights. Too late, way too late, he jammed on his brakes.

He hit her doing about 30 miles an hour. She rolled over his car, and fell off it behind him. The car behind him barely braked in time not to hit her also.

He jumped out of his car, and ran back to her. She was laying in the road, her arm twisted at a funny angle. She only stared up at him, her expression dazed, going into shock.

" I didn't see her. Oh, my god, she jumped out of nowhere. Oh god, oh god, oh god" The man said, looking down at the young woman lying there, looking so broken and fragile.

Buffy saw the crowd gathering around her. She couldn't move, she felt icky and hurt and helpless. She couldn't do anything. She stared up at them, not understanding. All she could do was say over and over:

" Don't hurt me, please. Please, don't hurt me!"

* * *

Willow is sitting in the waiting room at Memorial General Hospital, waiting for some news. Anything. She's been here an hour, and no one will tell her about Buffy.

All she knows is Buffy had been in an accident. A car hit her while she was crossing the street. She was in surgery; they were checking for internal damage. All she could do was wait. And look at the clock, and wring her hands.

The police had been by earlier. From what they could piece together, evidently Buffy had been running, and had run into the road without looking. A car hit her. They were holding the driver pending completion of their investigation. However, witnesses at the scene say she just ran out into the street, without stopping. Right now, it was their opinion that the driver was faultless.

They way the put it was so clinical, so cold. As if she were just another statistic. But that statistic is right now in the operating room, fighting for her life. That statistic has friends, family; people who love her and care about her. Willow can't help wondering how impersonal they would be if it'd been their spouse in there? Wondered if they would be so ready to let the driver off it it'd been a member of their family?

Willow paces the waiting room, growing more and more agitated. All she can think is, _Why aren't they telling me anything?_ Normally calm and rational, Willow feels her temper rising and her nerves becoming jangled and raw. She nearly jumps out her skin when she hears her name.

" Willow?"

Willow whirls around and sees Dawn standing at the other end of the room, looking confused and scared. Without a word, she walks over and takes Dawn in her arms, trying to soothe her.

" What happened, Willow?" Dawn asks, returning Willow's hug, " All they told me on campus was that Buffy had been in an accident".

" I'm not sure myself, Dawnie, " Willow says, breaking the embrace, " The police were here earlier. According to them, Buffy was running alongside the road and for some reason ran out into the street, and was hit by a car!" Willow's voice reflects her disbelief.

" That's bogus. I mean, my sister isn't exactly genius material, sure. But she's not dumb enough to do that!" Dawn says, angrily, " they gotta be wrong."

" There were witnesses, Dawn, " Willow says, " but I'm kinda not so believing it myself. I mean, why would Buffy do that? And, why was she out running, anyway? It doesn't make sense."

" How is she, do you know?" Dawn asks.

" She's in surgery right now, Dawn. They're checking for internal injuries. They haven't told me anything!" Willow says, mournfully.

At that moment, a surgeon dressed in hospital greens walks up behind the women.

" Willow Rosenberg?" He calls out to the women. Willow turns towards him

" Ms. Rosenberg? I'm Dr. Klein. I was attending your friend's surgery, " Dr. Klein introduces himself.

" How is she?" Dawn blurts out, ahead of Willow.

" This is Buffy's sister, " Willow says, " How is she?"

"Ms. Rosenberg, Ms. Summers, " Dr. Klein says, " Buffy is very lucky. Remarkably so. She has no internal injuries that we can find, and she's got a broken arm, and some cracked ribs. A few contusions, and some lacerations. Considering she was hit by a car, she's very lucky."

" Can we see her?" Dawn asks.

" Well, she's still sedated…."

"Please?" Willow asks, her concern evident.

" All right, but only for a few minutes. She really needs her rest" Dr. Klein says. " We want to keep her for a couple of days, for observation. After that, you'll be able to take her home."

Dr. Klein leads Willow and Dawn to the recovery room, and they look at Buffy through the window. She is laying in bed, her arm in a cast on a sling, keeping it elevated. She is connected up to vitals monitor, and has tubes running out of her stomach and arms.

Willow wonders how many times she's seen Buffy like this. Laying in a hospital bed, recovering from a serious wound. _Too many times,_ she thinks, looking at the petite blond lying quietly in bed. Every time it made Willow's gut knot, for she always feared one day she wouldn't recover from her wounds. _She's so small… so fragile looking… it's hard to believe she's carried the fate of the world on her slim shoulders. God, I was so hoping when she 'retired' she wouldn't be here again, I wouldn't be here again, looking at her like this!_

"She looks so fragile," Dawn says quietly, almost as if she's reading Willow's thoughts.

Willow hears the catch in Dawn's voice, and looks at the younger woman. Her eyes are wide, and her expression looks scared.

" Dawn, honey, it's going to be alright, " Willow says, trying to reassure her. Dawn tries to smile, but it's forced.

" How long will she be in recovery, Dr. Klein?" Willow asks, turning to the surgeon.

" At least 2 hours here, and probably another couple of hours before she wakes up" Dr. Klein says." You're welcome to wait, of course, but it probably would be better if you left and came back. Take a break, get some rest. There's really nothing you can do here now, and we'll call you if there's any change."

At first, neither one wants to leave. They hang on by the recovery room, watching as Buffy sleeps. Both are lost in their individual thoughts, and conversation is limited, at best. Finally, Willow speaks up.

"Dawn, the doctor's right. Probably best if we leave and come back. Not gonna help Buffy much to have two zoned out, starving visitors when she wakes up," Willow says, " I'll buy you some dinner, how's that sound?"

" Not really hungry, " Dawn says, looking at her sister. Her face looks stressed.

" Dawn, honey, there's nothing we can do right now for her, " Willow says, " it'd be better if we go and come back. I left my cell number with the nurse, so if anything comes up, we can come right back. Ok?".

" Ok, " Dawn agrees, reluctantly. Still, she stares in the recovery room window at her sister, her face anxious.

" She's going to be ok, Dawn. I promise, " Willow says, putting her arm around Dawn's shoulders, " remember, slayer healing. Heck, she'll be outrunning us in a week or so".

" Yeah, I guess you're right, " Dawn admits, a small smile coming to her face. They turn away from the room and start towards the elevators.

As they walk along, Willow thinks about her lover in the bed, tubes, and casts and everything attached to her. _I know I'm right. Buffy will heal up just fine. Buffy will be just fine._

As she pushes the button for the elevator, Willow wonders why she has such a hard time convincing herself of that.

* * *

Buffy is having a dream

In her dream, she and Willow are having a picnic. It's late spring, the weather is beautiful. The sky is blue, with just a couple of fleecy white clouds way high in the sky. They are in a lush meadow, with a profusion of wildflower and trees growing in the field.

They have their blanket spread under one of the trees; an old oak with a crown of leaves that provides some nice shade from the sun. They have a full spread; sandwiches, fruit, cold fried chicken, potato salad, some little cakes for desert, and they are sharing a bottle of wine.

" Gee, Buffy, you planning on having the army over too?" Willow jokes, looking at all the food, " Way too much for us, I'm thinking".

"Well, I need to fatten you up a little, Will, " Buffy says, smiling, " You're way too thin, you know!"

" Yeah, look who's talking, Bone Maiden" Willow says, laughing. She reaches for a piece of fruit.

" You saying I'm bony?" Buffy says, mock irritated, " doesn't seem to bother you too much in bed…" Buffy smirks.

" Buffy!" Willow blushes, but happily. " Not saying bony… maybe just could use a little more squeeze?"

"Well, if you want squeeze… there's always Faith…" Buffy says, haughtily. She gives Willow a sidelong glance.

" Oh, yeah… hey… maybe I should give her a call…" Willow ripostes, watching Buffy's reaction. Buffy's face reddens.

" You better not, Will!" Buffy says, pretending to be angry. She makes to lunge at Willow, but Willow is up and running. " Hey you, get back here, or I'm gonna so beat that cute lil bottom of yours!" Buffy says, jumping up after Willow, and the chase is on.

Willow zigs and zags all over the field, Buffy in hot pursuit. Willow calls out over her shoulder.

" Gotta catch me first, Slowpoke" Willow giggles, running faster.

"Slowpoke, huh?" Buffy says, putting on more speed. But Willow somehow manages to keep ahead of her. They are running all over the field, and pass a clump of bushes. Suddenly, Hank Summers steps out from behind the bushes and grabs Willow. Putting a restraining arm around her, his other hand is holding a wickedly sharp knife.

" I told you, Buffy!" Hank Summers says, threateningly, " You can never tell anyone! Or someone will get hurt!" With that, he takes the knife and slashes it across Willow's throat.

"NOOOOO!!!!" Buffy screams, watching as Hank releases Willow, who falls to the ground. She lays there, blood leaking from her throat.

" You were a bad girl, Buffy, and had to be punished. Now, come to Daddy, " Hank says, advancing on her, holding the knife, " Daddy has a nice surprise for you!"

Buffy backs away…. Screaming….

" NOOOOO…. NOOOOO….!!!!!"

* * *

" Buffy?" Willow, looking concerned, is trying to awaken Buffy. She's thrashing in the bed, screaming.

" BUFFY! WAKE UP!" Dawn, standing next to Willow, yells at her." WAKE UP!"

Buffy opens her eyes, looking confused and disoriented. She looks around, and sees the monitors and drip IV's, and … the cast… then the pain kicks in.

" Ow… ow…. Ow!" Buffy whimpers. " Where am I?"

" You're in the hospital, Buffy, " Willow says.

" Hospital? What the…" Buffy exclaims, looking around, " How'd I get here?"

" Don't you remember, Buffy?" Dawn asks.

" N-No, I just remember I was running… by the road… then everything went dark… and I woke up here!" Buffy says, trying to get up. She lets out a loud groan, and lays back. " What the heck happened to me?"

" You had an accident, Buffy, " Willow says, quietly, trying to keep Buffy calm, " You were hit by a car."" WHAT?" Buffy says, incredulously, " How the hell did that happen? Did some drunk veer off the road or something?" Buffy looks at Willow, then at Dawn.

"No… Buffy, not according to witnesses, " Willow says, her tone remote, " they say you ran into the road."

" Well, that's… ok, that's just crazy talk!" Buffy says, looking at both of them, " I mean, why would I do that?"

" I dunno, Buffy, " Dawn says, quietly, " Why would you?"

Willow senses Buffy's lying. Something in her manner, the way she's reacting, just doesn't ring true.

" Well, because … I never did, Dawn!" Buffy says, a slight edge to her voice. " Ok, out of the three of us, I'm not the brightest, but even a 5 year old knows not to go running into the street. So why do you think I would?".

" Buffy, all the witnesses said you did, " Willow says, pressing it. " Why would they lie?"

" I dunno, Will… why don't you ask them?" Buffy says, her tone getting a little sarcastic, " seems to me, you're believing them more than me!".

" Buffy…" Dawn starts, but Buffy cuts her off.

" No… you guys seem to be on their side, " Buffy exclaims, " so, why don't you go ask them?"

" Buffy, it's not a matter of sides, " Willow says, firmly, " it's just they have no reason to lie about it"

" Oh, and I suppose I do?" Buffy says, her temper rising.

" Buffy, no one said that!" Dawn replies.

" No one had to, " Buffy says, sternly, looking at both of them.

" Buffy, we…." Willow starts, and is cut off.

" No, you obviously believe them, and think I'm a liar, " Buffy says, harshly, " So, why don't you both get out of here?" She turns away from them, best she can.

" Buffy, please, we didn't mean that…." Dawn pleads with her.

" No, get out!" Buffy says, not looking at them. She then screams, "GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!!"

A nurse comes running in.

"What's going on in here?" She asks. She sees the patient looking obviously upset. She turns to Willow and Dawn. "You're going to have to leave now. She needs her rest!" The nurse tries to hustle them out.

" But…" Willow protests.

" You're going to have to leave. Or do I have to call security?" The nurse says, sternly.

Willow and Dawn look at each other, upset. But they know the nurse isn't bluffing, so they reluctantly leave.

The nurse comes over to Buffy to check on her. She smoothes her covers, checks the readings on the Vitals monitor, then she leaves quietly, turning out the light.

Buffy lays in the dark, her expression troubled, her eyes staring at something far away.

* * *

Willow puts the cup of tea in front of Dawn, then sits next to her on the living room couch. Both women are still wound up over the scene in Buffy's room at the hospital. Neither want to say it, but both have come to the same conclusion: something is terribly wrong with Buffy. But they don't have a clue as to what's troubling her.

After awhile, Willow notices Dawn hasn't touched her tea.

" Something wrong with it , Dawn?" Willow asks, solicitously.

" Huh, what?" Dawn says, coming out her daze.

" The tea, Dawn. You haven't touched yours" Willow says, " Is it too weak or strong or something?"

" Oh. No, I just…." Dawn trails off, lapsing into silence. It's obvious she's still very disturbed about tonight.

"Well, maybe we should just go to bed, Dawnie, " Willow says, " maybe things will seem better in the morning". She retrieves Dawn's cup and her own. She turns towards the kitchen when Dawn pipes up.

"What's wrong with her, Willow?" Dawn asks, sounding troubled." I've never known her to act this weird before."

" I don't know Dawn, " Willow replies, walking towards the kitchen, " She's … keeping something secret, I know it" She comes back to the living room, but doesn't sit down. She stands, looking a little lost." I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong, is all."

"Wrong?" Dawn asks, bewildered.

" I'm not getting through to her, Dawnie," Willow says, "I've know Buffy almost ten years. We never kept secrets… almost never" Willow blushes, thinking back on the 10th grade and Xander," Almost never. And when we did, it was because, or at least for me, it was because I was ashamed of what I was doing, or what I'd done. Pretty much the same for Buffy, if I sussed it out right," Willow pauses, " Something's happened. Something she's ashamed of, I know it, I can … I just know it." Willow looks worried, " I've failed her somehow, Dawnie. I've tried to let her know no matter what, I love her, I'm gonna stick to her like glue. She's not getting it, or believing it. I don't know why…" Willow looks at Dawn, clearly hurting, " What'm I doing wrong, Dawnie?"

Dawn doesn't say anything, she just goes to Will and holds her. Willow puts her head on her shoulder , and the tears start to come.

"S-S-She's hurting, Dawnie, I know she is, " Willow stutters, between sobs, " I w-want to h-help her, I really do. But I d-don't know how." She starts to shake in Dawn's arms.

Dawn holds her, rubbing her back. She suppresses her own tears and fears, knowing that right now, Willow needs her. She has to hold on, be strong.

"It's ok, Will, it's ok, " Dawn says calmly, trying to soothe her, " It's going to be ok, we'll figure it out. I promise".

* * *

Buffy lay staring at the ceiling.

Outwardly, she appears calm. Inside, it's a wholly different story. She felt all jumbled up, her stomach is tied in knots. Her heart races, seemingly out of control. Her breathing was shallow and somewhat forced, as if she's just run a race. A race she's losing. She can barely keep still, but she also doesn't want to bring the night nurse down on her. _She'll just drug me, and I don't wanna be drugged. Gotta think. Gotta think._

She's gone too far this time, and she knows it. She saw the expressions on Will and Dawn's faces when she screamed at them. _God I screwed up. I don't even know why I screamed at them. _But she knows. She really does know. They were getting close, too close, to her dirty little secret. The secret they can't know. They can't ever know. No one can know. The secret she wants to tell, she knows she has to tell. But she can't, she can't ever tell anyone.

She remembered everything. She knew she ran into traffic. Somewhere deep inside, that's what she wanted to do. She hoped that someone would hit her, kill her. Then it would be over. She'd be done. Everybody would be ok, she'd be ok. She'd be finished, and could rest.

That didn't happen. She didn't die. Instead, she's here, busted up, in the hospital. The last place she wants to be. She hates hospitals. _This is where Celia died._ Her best friend, her best everything. Died in a hospital. That was her fault, too. She knew that. If it wasn't for her, Celia would be alive, happy.

I'm so tired. Damn. I just want to sleep, and never wake up. Why can't I just die? Why won't you let me die? So tired, so tired of fighting every day, trying to keep it together. I just want to die, find some peace, let my friends be happy…

" I'm telling you, Summers, " A familiar voice, one she hasn't heard in years, floats over to her, " Death's overrated".

" Ford? Billy Fordham, is that you?" Buffy asks, confused and a little alarmed.

" The one and only, " Ford says, approaching the bed.

" But… but you're dead!" Buffy says, really panicked now, "you've been dead… god, nearly 8 years".

" Actually, a little over seven… but Math never was your strong suit," Ford smiles, " Yeah, been kinda dead ever since Spike drained me back in Sunnydale."

" Oh, crap, I'm going nuts. On top of everything else, I'm so losing it, " Buffy's voice is trembling.

" Too late, you did that a long time ago, " Ford says, teasing her, " Don't sweat it. You're just dreaming." He walks closer, giving her the once over, " Not looking so good, Summers. "

" Well, you get hit by a car, " Buffy retorts, " See how good you look!"

" Fair enough, " Ford says, " So, you're thinking you want to die, Summers?"

Buffy doesn't reply. She just stares out into space.

" Ya know, I didn't want to die, right?" Ford says, " I thought that by becoming a vampire, I'd live forever. Kinda stupid that. You tried to warn me, as I remember, but I didn't listen, did I?"

" Nope, you didn't, " Buffy agrees, " But then, listening never was your strong suit."

"Good one, Summers. Glad to see you haven't lost your edge, " Ford says, " Thing is, I was stupid, and I had Spike bite me, thinking I'd never die. Didn't get that me… the essential me… was gone when Spike finished his snack. You know, it really sucked, " Ford stops, embarrassed, " Sorry about the pun. Thing was, I wasn't finished yet. Still had lots to do… but I was in such pain, I didn't see it then."

"I'm sorry, Ford, " Buffy says, " I really am. You got a crappy break."

" Yeah, well, lots of people get 'em. You got it, too. I know that. But thing is, I died before I could do what I wanted to do."

" Not following you, Ford, " Buffy says.

" I died, Summers, before I could say goodbye to my folks. Before I could tell them I really loved them, " Ford says, a mournful note to his voice, " I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to my friends, especially you. Do you got any idea what I'd give to be able to hang out just another day with you? Even if you dragged me to a mall. It'd be great, just to spend another day with you."

" Ford, I…." Buffy starts, but is interrupted.

" The worst thing, though, Summers? It's not better over here. It doesn't get better. Not for you, or for those you leave behind. My mom couldn't take it, did you know that?" Ford asks, not really expecting an answer, " She tried to go on, but the grief was too much. She couldn't handle it… she killed herself," Ford voice carries a ton of guilt, " and my dad? He's alone now. Losing both of us … just was too much for him. He's only a shell of the guy I remember. All because I threw away what time I had left. I didn't get a chance to let them know I was ok, that it'd be ok, that I loved them, Summers. If there's a hell, I'm in it, cuz I can never fix it."

" Billy, " Buffy says, her voice full of compassion.

" Forget it, Summers. Too late for me. But not for you. You still got a chance. I know you hurt, you just want it to be over. You wanna give up, but I'm telling you, don't," Ford leans in close, " Don't! Fight it with everything you got. It's hard, I know, but you've got people who love you, wanna help you. Let 'em, Summers. Don't shut them out. You need them, and they need you to need them."

"Why're you doing this, Ford?" Buffy asks, " Why me?"

"Cuz I can, " Ford smiles, " Look, it's not totally unselfish, ok? It makes… things easier. Just call it my way of fixing what I fucked up." He looks at his watch, " Will you look at that? Gotta go, Summers. Been a blast."

"Ford… don't go, please, " Buffy says, " I really missed you."

" Yeah, me too, Summers, " Ford says, retreating," But you're listening skills aren't too good either, I see. I told you earlier, this is just a dream. It's time to wake up, Buffy. So, you better wake up. Go on… Wake up!"

"Wake up, Ms. Summers… wake up!" The nurse says, gently shaking her, " It's time for your medications"

Buffy looks at her, feeling unsettled. " Huh? Where am I?" She asks.

" You're in the hospital, Ms. Summers. You had an accident, remember?" The nurse says, giving her the pills. Buffy opens her mouth, swallowing the capsules. She lays back, feeling exhausted, but isn't able to sleep. Her mind is working overtime, thinking about her dream.

She lies there, quietly thinking in the dark.

* * *

Willow glances again at the clock in her office, trying to come to a decision.

She really doesn't want to be here, but she knows she has to get this work done for classes next week. But like yesterday, her mind isn't really here. It's on Buffy.

She wants to be at the hospital. Yet, she's afraid to go to the hospital. She feels like she's being torn in two different directions and doesn't know what to do.

She's worried about Buffy, and wants to see how she's doing. She looked awful last night, all wired up and with her arm in the sling, tubes running out of her. She wants to be there right now, holding her hand, telling her things are going to be ok, supporting her. She knows Buffy and hospitals don't get along well.

But she's afraid. After last night, she isn't sure how Buffy feels about her being around. She slept only a couple of hours last night, spending most of it worried about whether she and Buffy were going to survive as a couple. From where she sat, things seem to be deteriorating quickly… and she still doesn't understand why. It's as if Buffy is trying to push her away, and that hurts. A lot.

She looks again at the memo from the head of the department, and the words seem to swim on the page. Making an impatient noise, she puts it down. She knows this is useless. She's hiding out, afraid to go the hospital, face what she has to face, and get it over with. She carefully arranges the papers on her desk, then picks up her purse. She stands, and goes for her coat. _One way or another, going to have to settle this. I can't go on like this, not knowing._

She leaves the office, locking the door after herself.

* * *

Walking the corridor to Buffy's room, Willow feels worse than ever. Her nerves are as taut as an over tuned violin. Her mouth is dry, and she can't seem to figure what to do with her hands. She couldn't remember feeling this nervous before. Maybe when she took Drama in college, and had to get up in front of the class to do a scene. She remembers her stomach felt something like this… that she wanted to vomit. That had been her last day in class… she dropped it. She eventually overcame her fear of getting up in front of people, but it took awhile.

This, however, is the worst audience she ever had. It's only one person, but the stakes are higher than anything she's done before. _Chill, Will. You're making mountains out of molehills, here. God, she's not going to kill you. Last night she was just upset over being hurt and confused and all. She's probably forgotten it, and it'll be just fine. Don't get all scardey-cat now. Just hang in there, it's gonna be fine._

As she gets closer to Buffy's room, her stomach turns over. _Ok, stomach. Not helping here. Gotta stay calm, ok? Barfing on Buffy is not going to win us points. Just take a chill pill._

She gets to Buffy's room, and notices the door is open. She hangs back a little, and looks in. She sees Buffy sitting up. She doesn't seem to be doing anything but staring out the window. _Oh, boy _Willow groans internally. Not good.

Bracing herself, she plasters a smile on her face and walks into Buffy's room. Buffy, hearing her enter, turns her way. There are dark rings under her eyes. _Oh, boy, oh, boy _Willow thinks, not liking that much.

" Hey, Buffy, " Willow says, brightly, trying to cover her nervousness. " You're looking better today."_ Oh, poop. Could you say anything stupider, Willow?_

" Hey Will, " Buffy says, sounding distracted, " Nice try, but you're really not a good liar, you know." She smiles a tiny smile at Willow. It quickly fades." We need to talk."

Willow swallows hard. "_We need to talk"… oh, god… that's not good._ Willow's well aware that's the most dreaded phrase in the English language.

" Ok, Buffy, " Willow says, in a low voice. She stands a little away from Buffy's bed.

" I don't know where to begin, Will, " Buffy says, her voice sounding hoarse. " Could you come a little closer? Kinda having a hard time talking this morning. Think my throat's sore from the breathing tube they had jammed down there."

"Sure, Buffy, " Willow says. Each step is hard; her feet feel heavy as lead.

"This isn't working, is it?" Buffy says, looking at Will anxiously.

" I don't know what you mean, Buffy, " Willow lies. _Crap… crap , crap and crap. Can I just die now, please?_

" This. Me. It isn't working, " Buffy says, her voice low, " I thought… I thought I could handle it Will. I really did. Because being with you means so much to me. You… you're so very special to me. That's what makes this so hard, Will."

" Buffy, " Willow says, a slightly sad edge to her voice.

" I thought I was strong enough, Will. I really did, " Buffy says, "I thought I could deal with this. Face it and accept it. But I'm too weak, Will. Too weak. I just can't do it". Buffy's voice is heavy with emotion.

" Buffy," Willow says, near tears, " It's ok, honest. I understand."

" I'm so sorry, Will. What I put you through. It's so unfair, " Buffy covers her face with her good hand, " I've made your life miserable."

Willow goes to Buffy, putting her hand on Buffy's shoulder. She pushes down her tears. " It's ok, Buffy. Sometimes despite your best try, these things just don't work out," Willow bites her lip, trying to keep the tears back," sometimes it's best to take a break from each other. Try to … well, work out your differences. Maybe then things can be better. But even if not, we'll still be friends, Buffy."

Buffy looks at Willow with an expression of pure fear. " Take a break? Friends?, " Buffy says, her voice nearly a whisper, " You… want to break up with me?" She looks like she's ready to cry.

" I… I … thought that's what you were trying to say to me, Buffy, " Willow says, stunned.

" Oh, god, Willow!!!!" Buffy cries, trying to reach out, but can't because of her arm. " Stupid cast! No, god… no. Why would I want to break up with the one good thing in my life?"

Willow feels like someone just hit her in the head with a hammer. " What… I really don't understand now!" _She's not breaking up with me?_

"Will… you're the only thing that's … you're everything to me. If I … lost you, I… I don't know what I'd do, " Buffy says, tears rolling down her cheeks. " Something's wrong with me, Willow. Something's really wrong. I'm scared… I'm really scared." Losing control, Buffy starts to cry.

"Buffy" Willow says, her own tears starting to fall. She comes around the other side of Buffy's bed, and climbs in with her, carefully. She puts her arms around Buffy and holds her. "It's gonna be ok, baby. It's gonna be ok".

Slowly, through her tears, Buffy tells her about the blackouts. Waking up and finding herself in strange places…bruised and beaten. About her dreams, and how she's afraid to sleep, fearing them. How she beats on herself, making herself black and blue… and realizing she's doing this during the blackouts. She doesn't know what's happening to her, but she's scared. She's been scared for a long time. She's been afraid, so afraid she'd wake up someday and find out she hurt Willow…or Dawn…

Willow is shocked. She hadn't realized how bad things had gotten for Buffy. She remembers she had a student … not last year, but the year before… who was brilliant… when she showed up. But a lot of times she was out. Sometimes when she came to class, she … zoned out. And she carried a lot of scars and bruises. Willow was afraid she was in an abusive relationship, and tried to talk to her about it… but the girl just clammed up. Wouldn't talk. Finally one day, she stopped coming. Willow found out later she'd committed suicide. They learned she'd been a victim of child abuse, and had repressed it all of her brief adult life. She finally couldn't deal anymore, and had killed herself.

What if Buffy… oh, god! No, won't let it happen. Can't let it happen!

" It's ok, Buffy, it's ok. I'm here, baby, " Willow says, holding the distraught girl best she can. " We're going to get you help, I promise. I'm here, honey, I'll never leave you".

* * *

Epilogue:

From Willow's private journal.

" So of course, we got her help, and she got better, and we all lived happily ever after."

" Yeah, I wish! Fairy tales are fun, but they're not real. It's been six months now since Buffy started therapy, and she's making progress… but she has a long, long way to go. It's been hard on me, hard on Dawn, and really hard on Buffy."

" After that day in the hospital, I started looking for a qualified therapist. But Buffy is a unique case. Because she is who she is, how can she tell the average therapist about her 'secret identity' ? I finally contacted Giles, hoping maybe the council would have resources available for her situation. When I contacted him, and told him about Buffy, and what I suspected, there was a long silence on his side of the phone. I thought perhaps he hadn't heard me, and was starting to repeat myself when I heard him say a string of words I'd never heard out of Giles' mouth before. To say I was shocked… well, yeah, I was shocked, ok? Giles, swearing? Kind of like the pope swearing. It just doesn't happen."

" He not only arranged for a psychiatrist who was 'in the know' about Buffy's destiny, but he paid for him to come to California, and paid all incurred expenses. Even better, he came himself. I know Dawn and I needed someone to lean on sometimes, besides each other, because it hasn't been a day at Disneyland. More importantly, it helped Buffy. I know, because I saw the look on her face the night he arrived and she opened the door. Then she hugged him so tightly I thought she was going to break him. He didn't seem to mind, however."

" Slowly, the whole ugly, nasty story came out. Hank Summers began to emotionally abuse Buffy when she was around 4 or 5 years old. He started to sexually abuse her when she was 7. He destroyed her self confidence, and then used her for his own pleasure. He threatened her, telling her that if she ever told anyone, they would die, and she would be responsible. She tried to keep it a secret, but finally she told her younger cousin and best friend, Celia. It wasn't long after that that Celia was hospitalized, and died. Buffy blamed herself for her death… she never forgave herself. She vowed to herself she'd never tell anyone else."

"The abuse went on for years. The sexual part tapered out, but for years after, he still emotionally abused her, keeping her down, making sure she'd never tell anyone about the 'game' they played. Every chance he got, he used to undercut her self confidence and feelings of self-worth. For some reason, it ended abruptly a year or two before he divorced Joyce Summers. Perhaps he started cheating on Joyce, or found someone else to abuse. But it stopped before Buffy became a slayer."

" Often times, children who've been molested will become over-sexualized for their age, or turn to drugs/ alcohol for relief. This didn't happen to Buffy. Perhaps because of her calling. She found some kind of relief taking out her pain on monsters, demons and vampires. Ironically, her destiny, which can be so dangerous, may have saved her life… and her sanity… at least for awhile."

" The damage, however, was done. She's never been able to form a 'normal, healthy' relationship… not one that would meet most requirements for that. We know how her relationship with Angel turned out. She made love to him, he turned evil. That just reinforced her perceptions of sex and relationships. She actually on a deep level was relieved that they couldn't make love again. In her mind, at a deep level, sex was bad, evil, and dirty. She craved the intimacy, but having sex just made it dirty and sinful and wrong for her."

" Riley…never had a chance. He really loved her. But she had to literally divorce herself from the sexual part of the relationship. She never felt anything… because she wouldn't allow herself to feel anything. Because, it was wrong. That was how she saw it. Riley sensed the barrier, but didn't understand why the barrier was there. Finally, it broke them up. He couldn't deal, and she couldn't explain to him why."

"All this isn't to say she didn't have needs. She did. But to her, they were evil, to be repressed, put down. In a way, that's why the lust phase of her relationship with Spike was so intense. Why she did the kinky things( she told me about them… I still get the icks thinking about it) with him. Because, in her logic, he was evil , so it was ok for her to be evil with him. But then she began to care about him. And that brought on the withdrawal from the sexual portion of their relationship. Spike, being Spike, didn't understand it. So, he tried to force himself on her… ok, imagine how that made her feel? When he came back, later in fall, and had a soul… that put the last nail in their sexual relationship. Spike could sense that … sex with Buffy wasn't going to happen, and he didn't let it happen again. Much as I hate to, I have to give him some small credit for that."

" What brought about the crisis was her isolation from her friends and family. When she went to 'find herself', she did… a part of herself that she'd kept suppressed for so many years. Her conscious mind couldn't deal with what was there, so she'd black out… not remembering what she did. But all the conditioning that Hank Summers had done on her came back, and she blamed herself for her sickness. This is when the self abuse began. The hitting. The cutting( she has scars on both arms… I didn't even realize what it meant… I'm so stupid!). She had no focus, because she was 'retired' as a slayer. She had no way to vent these feelings. So, she vented them on herself."

" A few times, she beat or cut herself so badly, she had to be hospitalized. But she's a lot cleverer than we give her credit for. She was able to charm her way out of explaining about how it happened. That's how she managed to do this to herself for those two years. She finally became so disgusted with herself, she hit bottom. She was going to kill herself. But something deep… something that wanted to live( her slayer?), found another way. She reached out… to me. I can't tell you how glad I am that … I didn't ignore her, and reached back. I'm glad she came to me. If she'd died……"

" I don't know why she reached out to me. Maybe because I'm not a guy, she didn't feel unconsciously threatened by me. Maybe because we've known each other for so long, she felt she could trust me. I don't really care. I love her, and would do anything for her. I know, as much as she's capable right now, she loves me. As she makes progress, our love grows stronger, and deeper. We agreed that until she was ready, really ready, we'd refrain from sex. But that doesn't mean there isn't love. We kiss… god, I love kissing her. At night, we hold each other. It's good just having her in my arms. I can wait. I want her to be ready for more. I know when she's ready, it will be beautiful."

" So, here we are. Giles is living with us on a permanent basis…until at least, Buffy is well. He's delegated the day to day Council business to his associates, and can handle the rest by phone, if necessary. It's good to have him around, because he's providing something Buffy desperately needs: a loving, stable father figure. It's helping with her recovery, I know it. Dawn is with us, and it's been hard on her. It's hard for her to reconcile her memories of her father with the … monster… that did this to Buffy. But she's dealing, and giving Buffy some much needed support. I think in a way, this has been good for their relationship. Buffy has always been the one looking out for Dawn, keeping her safe. I think she likes giving back. "

"As for me and Buffy? Well, like I said. Fairy tales are nice, but this is reality. There are backslides, we fight too often, and sometimes… it's just too much to take. But I'm hanging in. Because I know the ending's gonna be worth it. It's rough now sometimes, but it's getting better. And were gonna be so good together, so strong."

" Because, we got each other".

* * *

Fin. 


End file.
